


Catfishing Rinn

by Fanningon



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: AU, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 18:16:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11674491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fanningon/pseuds/Fanningon
Summary: I can’t remember who prompted this au.I’ve never seen this catfish show.  And I feel all kinds of weird about this prompt, because a dear friend of mine was recently catfished, I can tell you that it’s a really horrible thing to do to a person, it’s a betrayal and it’s cruel and actually really hurts people, especially kind, good people who want to see the good in other people and are more trusting.And I won’t hear any victim-blaming bullshit that they shouldn’t trust people – seriously, is that the kind of world you want to live in, where we can’t trust each other?  We should be aiming our attention at the people doing this disgusting practice and trying to make the world a less cruel place, so we can actually at least somewhat trust our fellow human beings.I’ve also heard that people sometimes catfish other people out of revenge because the person being catfished is a dick… that i’m less worried about.  It’s catfishing people just for fun, just random innocent people, that bothers me.And some people catfish because they think they’re too ugly and can’t get someone.  In this case we need to be working on self-esteem, cos lying to someone really isn’t going to get you into a relationship with them.





	Catfishing Rinn

‘Creep’ by Damien Rice

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6uyZ4jKTdg>

  
Finn sighed grumpily and read over his inbox:

_‘Hi, you’re gorgeous. But are you kidding?’_

_‘Get outta here you fucking catfish.  No one looks like you and is single at 30!’_

_‘Oh I wish someone like you existed on OKCupid, but you’re being too obvious with this one hun, tone down those pics!’_

_‘You’re too gorgeous to be real, surely?’_

_‘Don’t come in my inbox trying it on you fucking catfish!’_

_‘Hi, I know it’s too good to be true!  There’s no way you’re still single at your age – not looking like that!’_

_‘Either you’re gay, and that’s why you can’t get it to work with women, or you’re a catfish mate.’_

_‘Oh my god.  You’re so gorgeous!  I’m free tonight for a little up close and personal chatting ;-) ’_

_‘Please don’t write to me again – I’m blocking your catfishing arse.’_

“Just do some online dating Finn, it’ll work!”  Finn did his best impersonation of Archie’s voice.  He threw his hands up in exasperation and slammed the laptop shut. 

*

Rae’s nostrils flared, her lips shut tightly, holding back the emotion. 

_‘You gonna die a virgin, you fat slut!’_

_‘Hi, I love your body, you’re so beautiful.  Would you be interested in a feeder type relationship?’_

_‘God I love fat chicks, let’s meet up for a fuck yeah?’_

_‘Hey baby, are you a good submissive girl?’_

_‘Hi’_

_‘Hey’_

_‘It says in your bio that you’re a writer.  I’m in love with the subtle beauty of the written word, the way it can transform our everyday lives into something miraculous in its beauty.  I saw that you’re writing a book about superheroines right now!  That‘s amazing, but did you think about including a superhero or two in the group?  Maybe one superhero as the leader, kinda like a Charlie’s Angels type thing?  Or maybe, they could all be teenage school girls, who got magically transported back to the cave times and had to learn to survive it and one of them gets raped – that’ll had depth to her character, and then they’re transported back to now and so now they’ve got all these mad skills? I got plenty of ideas I can tell you!  Even though my muse and I had an argument years ago, and I don’t write much any more, I’m an amazing writer myself, and I have endless creative sparks in my mind.  We’d make a great team!’_

_‘Hi’_

_‘Hi’_

_“Hi baby’_

_‘Hi, I’m looking for a fat submissive I can train and starve into the shape I want.  Are you interested?’_

_‘Hi’_

_‘Hey’_

_‘Hey I wrote to you before and you didn’t answer.  What the fuck is wrong with you, you fat fuck?  You should be grateful any guy wrote to you – give him respect and reply you fucking mingy slag.’_

_‘You shouldn’t wear your hair like that, it doesn’t suit you, and less make up too.  Girls look better when they’re natural.’_

_‘wanna suck my dick?  Give the fat bird some meat!’_

_‘Why are you even on here?  No man with eyes is gonna wanna fuck your fat minge.’_

Rae closed down the browser on her computer without even considering replying to any of those messages.  Especially not the pseudo-writer, who’s name was ‘Mr Amazing’ and had a neck beard and wore a fedora in his only picture.  
“I didn’t think the stereotype actually lived.”  Rae mumbled as she got up and wandered through the apartment. 

“What stereotype?”  Chloe called from her room. 

“You have got sonic hearing!”  Rae marvelled and Chloe just gave her a grin from her bedroom when Rae looked in on her, “Neckbeard fedora.”  Rae told her.

“Oh shit?!”  Chloe laughed and got up off her bed, “You gotta show me!”

“Ugh.”  Rae answered despondently.  “Later.” 

*

*

*

“Ok, so what you do now,” Archie instructed as he finished typing up Finn’s new OKCupid profile, “Is just be yourself.”  He gave Finn a broad grin. 

“I can’t do this!”  Finn interjected, “It’s lying!” 

“Look Finn, d’you wanna be single for the rest o’ ya life?”  Archie shot back and Finn closed his open mouth and gave him a grumpy stare. 

He’d been too lonely of late to argue that point with Archie. 

“How is this gonna help?”  He asked sceptically.

“Well I’m less hot than you.”  Archie answered, “And I got my Facebook set to super private, so none o’ me pictures are gonna show up in Google photo searches.”  Archie told him.

“You’re not less hot…” Finn mumbled.

“Nice try.”  Archie shook his head.  “So they see my pictures, good looking lad, but not too hot to be not real,” Archie continued, “They get to know you, the real you,” Archie continued, “Then when you come round to Skyping time, or meeting in person time, you do have’ta tell ‘em the truth.”

“You think?”  Finn asked sarcastically.  “I wonder how that’s gonna go?”

“Well, cos you’re hotter than me, they won’t be mad.”  Archie answered and Finn grumbled huffily in response, crossing his arms over his chest.  “Look,” Archie said softer, “Just give it a go.  Don’t think I haven’t noticed how lonely ya are.”  
*

“Right I’m off to court.”  Chloe said softly.

“You need me to come?”  Rae asked.

“No, Izzy’s gonna meet me there, and you gotta write Rae, you got a deadline coming up.”  Chloe kissed her cheek.  “And you’re testifying tomorrow, so you need to use this time wisely girl.”  Chloe reminded her. 

“You still got all your Facebook and stuff on private?”  Rae asked, worried about Chloe.

“Yeah.”  Chloe nodded, “Ever since that night… I’m practically a ghost online babe.” 

“Good, I don’t want any more run ins with creeps like that.”  Rae shuddered. 

A little over 2 years ago, a man had started stalking Chloe online.  And about a year ago, the gifts had started showing up at their apartment; he’d found all of her details, even her banking and credit card details by doxing her and hacking all her accounts.  But other than the gifts, he did nothing for months.

Then about 8 months ago he’d shown up on their doorstep, demanding Chloe’s time and attention, barging through the door, threatening to empty out her bank accounts and rack up her credit card debt when she told him to get out. 

He had grown violent when she had called the police, and both Rae and Chloe had copped his fists, but they’d managed to get him out of the apartment.  He’d been gone by the time the police showed up.  And sure enough, within the hour, the attacks on Chloe had begun.  
Luckily she had had time inform the bank and the credit card company.  But the credit card company let the charges go through in an attempt to catch him.   
Then all of her details appeared on Reddit and 4chan with a litany of ‘crimes against men’ she had supposedly committed.  The threads encouraged men to find her and teach her a lesson.  They were encouraged to beat and rape her, to clear out her bank accounts, to call her at all hours, to harass her at work, to destroy her life.

Chloe had had to take time off work to protect her patients and the practice she shared with 4 other psychologists.  They’d changed their phone numbers, increased their online security, told the police…

It had been a nightmare that had lasted almost 3 weeks before Danny had finally tracked him down, beat the ever-loving shit out of him, and dumped him in the local police station. 

Danny’s girlfriend was a private investigator and would not openly say that she’d used illegal means to find the bastard, but they all knew she had. 

And Danny had pleaded guilty to assault and battery, and already done his community service; all with a hugely satisfied grin.

“Are you sure it won’t look bad that I’m not there today?”  Rae asked.

“Nah babe, it’s mostly Danny and Vivian on the stand today.  Talking all about how they caught him.”  Chloe headed to the door, “Get that article about online dating done.”

“I still got a week till it’s due!”  Rae shot back.

“Uh huh, and how much of it have you done?”  Chloe asked knowingly.  Rae pursed her lips and shook her head before an impish grin turned up the corners of her mouth.  “Oh I thought so.”  Chloe laughed.  “None of it!”  She knew Rae so well.  Rae watched her leave, wishing her luck, before taking a cup of tea into her bedroom. 

Rae sighed and slunk down into her chair, opening up Firefox and checking her OKCupid account. 

“Same shit, different day.”  Rae couldn’t see one guy worth replying to.  She looked through some of her matches, but they all seemed genuinely creepy.   
She made some notes for her article, detailing the experiences of a fat girl dating online.  It was part of a series of articles she’d done about living and loving while fat.

She made most of her money doing freelance writing like this, but she also had two novels in the writing.  One about a bunch of superheroines, the other was just a mishmash of ideas about re-writing the zombie apocalypse without the shitty ‘white men are gonna rule in a post-apocalyptic world’ stuff that always existed in theses stories.  Also she felt a little uncomfortable with the amount of glee young white guys took on board the whole zombie apocalypse story; it was like they were super keen to shoot a bunch of basically ill people.  Rae wanted to rewrite the whole genre to make it friendlier to all the people who were assumed to never survive the zombie apocalypse, and to also address the whole ‘shooting heaps of people, but it’s ok cos they’re not really people’ aspect of the genre. 

She’d been spending too much time doing research for her superheroines novel and not enough time on her latest article.  She’d also been sucked into online dating far more than she had thought she would be.

She had started her OKCupid account a few weeks ago to research this article, and she could see some potential in the whole thing. 

And she supposed she had to admit that she was lonely.

She was 29 and she wanted a fella. 

Chloe had been dating on and off for all of her life until the stalker.  Izzy was getting married in a few months.  Her damn mother made a show of getting re-married every bleedin’ year; it was like she was proving a point!

And she’d dated a little bit, on and off, but nothing serious since her last partner a few years back. 

Now she was thinking more and more about something serious. 

She perused her messages again; there was a lot of fatphobic bullshit again. 

Rae deleted the account in an angry huff.

It was painful to admit it to herself, but she just wanted to be loved.  To be held and adored and desired. 

She tightened her arms around herself to stop the urges that were rising in her chest.  She hated the feel of tears on her cheeks.

“It’s so pathetic.”  She whispered to her empty room, her eyes falling on her dresser.  She looked around at all the things she’d collected throughout her life; all gathered into this room.  All little symbols of her in some way.  She knew that in the upper middle drawer of her huge dresser, there was a knife.

A knife that she had tried to throw out hundreds of times.  But she could just never bring herself to do it.

And the scary part was, that the only reason she hadn’t thrown it out was ‘just in case…’

Just in case what?

She had asked herself that question so many times.

And the only answer was just in case she wanted… needed… to cut again. 

She turned away from the dresser and opened up OKCupid again, typing up a far more detailed response to the personality essays this time.  She spoke in detail about herself and how she was looking for a long term relationship.  She listed off all the bands, all the movies, all the television shows she loved; she held nothing back of herself.

She wanted love. 

She needed it.

There was a painful, hollow ache in her chest: loneliness. 

She was not going to have the old half-arsed account she had before, done just for research for her article.  She was going to commit to this thing; she was going to find love!

But when it came to putting up the photographs of herself she stopped dead.

It didn’t matter who she was and all the things she liked and how well she might get on with someone if all they saw was a fatty.

Almost without realising what she was doing, and with a huge amount of refusing to mentally address it, Rae used some photographs of Chloe she had to complete her account.

As soon as she had finished she shut off her computer and sat staring at the blank screen.

“What the hell did ya just do Rae?”  She whispered the words to herself, even as she decided to just not think about it.  To just leave that lie of an account there, and see what happened.

*

*

*

Finn read through the messages on his new account with Archie’s photos attached. 

_‘Hi I read your bio, I really love your taste in music!”_

_“I’m so jealous you get to go to all those gigs free :-P’_

_‘Hi hun, your glasses are so cute!  Why hasn’t some girl snatched you up?  Have you got a broken heart that needs mending?’_

_‘Hi, my name’s Bree.  I read all the stuff in your bio and just wanted to say hi… so hi!’_

_‘Hey, I saw your profile – the thing matched us like 75% - Stamford’s not too far from me either.  Wanna meet up for coffee or talk online first?’_

He had to admit that the messages seemed more positive.

“Fucking Archie.”  He shook his head and opened up his matches.  “Rae Earl.  90%”  He mumbled.  OKCupid matched people based on a series of questions, and apparently he was 90% in sync with his answers to those questions with this Rae Earl. 

He opened up her page and saw a picture of a pretty, blonde woman.

Finn slowly read through her detailed bio and found himself grinning when he got to the music section. 

He clicked to send her a message and paused, his fingers hovering over the keyboard. 

_Hi_

He typed.

And then deleted it.

_Hello_

He looked at the word and groaned before deleting that too. 

_Hey_

He paused again, wondering if he should change his pictures and just keep pressing forward trying to find someone with the truth.  But then he remembered the messages he’d gotten with his own photos, versus the messages he had gotten with Archie’s.  And this woman seemed really cool; everything she’d written was something that drew him in a little further.

“Don’t write ‘I find you intriguing’ Finlay, every creepy guy on this site sends that message to hundreds o’ girls a day.” 

But he did find her intriguing; he wanted to know more about her. 

He looked at the word ‘hey’ just sitting there, all lonely and alone, and wondered if he should just send that and not risk making a dick of himself sending something else.

He furrowed his brows and looked back at the picture.

“At lest she’s only ordinary looking.”  He said to himself, “pretty enough but not so stunning I lose me shit.”  He started typing; that little reality check making him less nervous.  She wasn’t some perfect girl of his dreams.  She was a real woman with flaws and imperfections just like himself.  And while her bio and her music taste made him both excited and intrigued, she was no great beauty, because there was no such thing as the perfect person.  For all he knew, she could be s boring as batshit to talk to.  And that would never do.  He needed his banter. 

“She’s just a human being Finn, just like you.”  He reminded himself as he looked over her bio again. 

He pressed return so that the ‘hey’ sat on the line by itself. Then began to type.   
_Hey_  
_That’s some music taste you got!  
My name’s Finn and I liked reading your bio.  I don’t think mine’s as detailed as yours is, but hopefully it’s interesting enough for you to reply.  Maybe we can argue over who knows more about music!_

He hit send before he had a chance to back out and instantly regretted it.

“Well you fucked that up.”  Finn told himself as he realised he sounded exactly like all of those douchebags that hang around at gigs telling women that they’re fake fan girls.  He groaned and made himself let it go.  He looked up the next name on his matches list.

“Rhianon Smythe.  90% also.”  He opened up her page and tried to concentrate on reading her bio instead of thinking about how it differed from Rae’s bio.

*

Rae had spent a whole hour working tirelessly on her article.

She had even began to mentally justify using Chloe’s pictures on her profile, as if it were some sort of experiment; to see how thin girls fared in online dating versus fat girls.

But she knew it wasn’t the truth.  She tried to silence that voice in her head.  But the truth was, she had put a lot more effort into this profile, so she couldn’t be sure that the far larger, and slightly better quality responses and matches weren’t because of the effort instead of the photos. 

Most of the men were still creeps, but there were a few she’d seen in her quick look through before starting her work, that had seemed mildly interesting. 

She flicked back over to her OKCupid to see if she had any new messages.

Several.

Same sort of sexual innuendo mostly. 

Lots of wanna-be dominants.  Rae rolled her eyes at them.

After writing an article last year about the ‘real’ BDSM scene, she always had to scoff at these little boys pretending to be doms. 

Most doms were in fact dommes; women in control.  Rae was so amused by that fact; all the little boy doms calling themselves daddy, using pseudo-scientific reasoning to say women were inferior and / or submissive naturally, had no idea what the real scene was like.  They’d probably piss themselves if they did.  Mostly they just wanted an excuse to fuck rough, slap a girl a bit and not care if she came.  Rae blocked these fools immediately. 

There was a few messages she was going to reply to and then this:

Hey  
_That’s some music taste you got!  
My name’s Finn and I liked reading your bio.  I don’t think mine’s as detailed as yours is, but hopefully it’s interesting enough for you to reply.  Maybe we can argue over who knows more about music!_

Rae sneered at the screen.  How infuriating. 

She was about to delete this intensely annoying message, but she decided to go check out this Finn’s page. 

Something about that cute face with those glasses…

“He doesn’t seem like the type.”  Rae whispered.  “He wouldn’t say that…”  She shook her head and shot back a reply after reading his whole bio carefully.

_Alright, this from the lad who lists the fucking white strips as a band they like._

_Jog on!_

Rae laughed and wrote back to the other interesting guys before groaning and making herself go back to work. 

*

“Jog on?”  Finn bit his bottom lip and re-read her message.

He didn’t know if she really meant for him to leave her alone, of if she was joking or teasing.

“Fucking computers.”  He complained to his empty flat.  He couldn’t tell her tone of voice from this message.

His fingers hovered over the keyboard again.  But he could see she was online right now; he could talk to her… he had to hurry up and not overthink this.

_Cmon, no one can deny they did a few good songs!_

_You got Powderfinger listed – bit soft innit?_

He replied.  He breathed out slowly as he re-read his message.  He hoped it seemed friendly, teasing, fun. 

“Oh shit… I sound like I’m badgering…”

*

“Oh for fucks sake!”  Rae sighed, shaking her head.

_Obvs you’ve only heard their later stuff just before they split (I assume you know they split?), you obvs haven’t heard their earlier stuff – fake fanboy._

_And I suppose I can give you ‘hotel yorba’ but that’s being generous Finlay._

Rae grinned as she shot off the message.  She started to laugh as she re-read it.

“Fake fanboy.”  She chuckled at herself. 

*

Finn’s jaw dropped, a grin on his face.

“Fucking…”  He shook his head and started to type immediately. 

_You obvs missed vulture street – one of their later releases, bit of a return to raw, edgy harder rock wasn’t it?_

_But what would I know?  I’m not as much of a fake fangirl as you…_

_And I know seven nation army was a critical success and loved by millions of people, but it don’t make it any less brilliant._

He slammed down on the mouse button to send it and sat back, waiting for her reply.

*

Rae shook her head and grinned. 

“He really does know music.”  She said happily.

Her fingers hovered over the keyboard momentarily as she gathered her thoughts.

_With songs like ‘sunsets’ and ‘love your way’ it’s pretty arguable that it’s a heavy album.  But see – at first you was arguing they were a bit soft… now you’re arguing that they’re hard.  which is it Finnlay?_

_And just cos lots o’ people like it, don’t make it good.  I mean, just look at country music…_

She didn’t even pretend to go back to her work, she just waited for his reply.

*

_You gonna tell me that opening riff in sunsets isn’t more heavy for them?  
and they’re soft overall… but they have some harder moments._

_Alright we’ll have to agree to disagree on the white stripes._

_But I gotta introduce ya to Gangstagrass – they’re so good!  Rap set to country, bluegrass music.  It’s amazing._

*

_Pfft, please amateur, like I don’t know gangstagrass.  When I said country I mean that country rock shit that fucks like keith urban inflict upon the world.  Not classics like dolly, or brilliance like gangstagrass… keep up kiddo._

_Speaking of introductions - you heard of ecca vandal?  Or are you just a lickle boy playing at the big kids table?_

_Yeah a slightly heavier opening riff cannot undo the gentle lyrical melody that is dominant throughout the whole song._

_So now they’re mixed, not just soft? Still can’t make up ya mind!_

*

“Shit…”  Finn stared at the name.  “Ecca Vandal.”  Finn had a look of shock on his face; he’d never heard of them.  “Fuck.”  He quickly typed the name into Google and discovered that Ecca Vandal was a solo artist, not a band. 

He was watching her video ‘The End of Time’ when another message from Rae popped up.

_I’ll take it from your long time to reply that you had to Google her… isn’t music sposed to be your job? :-P_

Finn stared at the message and knew he had to find a band she’d never had heard. 

*

_Calling that riff ‘slightly heavier’ – you’re kidding yourself.  Or in denial that you lost this one Earl?_

_Yeah alright I didn’t know Ecca Vandal – but I do now and she’s brilliant.  Ta muchly!_

_You wanna talk about keeping up?  Alright – have you heard of Tkay Maidza?_

Rae laughed.

“Nice try lad.”  She shook her head, “I definitely know more about music than you do.” 

But she was still impressed with what he did know.  And that he seemed to know some solo women artists; a lot of men didn’t know much about women in music, unless the women were marketed at men of course. 

She didn’t hesitate to reply; she’d forgotten about working tonight, and the other conversations she’d been having on OKCupid paled into boredom in comparison.

*

*

*

“You look tired babe.”  Chloe said, putting down her plate of boiled eggs and buttered white bread on the table.  She sat down and cracked open her first egg, dunking the bread in the runny yolk.

“Oh I were up all night talking.”  Rae yawned.  “Don’ worry, I’ll be right for court once I had a nice shower.” 

“I’m not worried.”  Chloe answered, shoving the bread in her mouth.  “So do tell?”  Her eyes were alit with excitement for her friend.

“Some lad named Finn, I met him on OKCupid.”  Rae tried to shrug nonchalantly.  “He’s annoying.”  She added, “Thinks he knows everything about music.” 

“You like him a lot.”  Chloe said in a slight singsong. 

“Shurrup.”  Rae groaned.

“Show me his pic!”  Chloe said excitedly and opened up her laptop. 

“Not now.”  Rae jumped up; she couldn’t let Chloe see her OKCupid account.  “I’ll text you a copy of one of his pics later.  I gotta shower.”  Rae started to leave the table.

“What about your breakfast babe?” 

“Can’t eat till I’m more awake.”  Rae lied and trundled off to the bathroom, Chloe staring after her with a confused expression.

*

*

*

“Am I keeping you awake fucker?”  Chop asked as they sat down at the pub table. 

“I was just up all night talking.”

“To that Rae bird again?”  Chop asked and when Finn gave him a quizzical look he broke out in a toothy grin, “Archie told me everything lad!”  He explained.  “How you gonna tell her you don’t look like our uncle Archie?” 

“I don’t even know.”  Finn sucked his teeth thoughtfully.

“Haven’t thought this through son.”  Chop answered. 

“I been too busy just talkin’ to her.”  Finn said.  “She’s fuckin’ perfect Chop.”  Finn said.

“You been talkin’ to her a week, never seen ‘er and you’re callin’ perfect?”  Chop shook his head and then nodded hello to Archie who joined them with beers. 

“I got a picture.”  Finn said and took out his phone.  He pulled up his OKCupid account and found Rae’s page.  He handed the phone to Chop.

“Oh hey, I know her…”  He mumbled.  “She’s um… she’s one of them birds that hangs with Izzy.  Chloe and Rae…?”  He asked.

“Yeah Chloe’s her best friend.”  Finn nodded.

“I been so busy with work, I barely met her mates.”  Chop said guiltily, “I thought the brunette would’a suited you more mate.”  He opined.  “I s’pose her name’s Chloe… I thought she’d be more your style.”

“Yeah I know I normally go for brunettes.”  Finn acknowledged, “But there’s just something about this girl Rae.”  He looked down at the picture of the blonde woman when Chop handed back his phone.

“Yeah both of ‘em were real nice.”  Chop agreed, “Just the brunette, Chlo, had a better sense o’ humour and she were a right proper music expert.  Like you like to think y’are.”  Chop grinned, “Rae, your blonde, didn’t know shit about music.”  Finn looked at the picture again, his eyebrows furrowed. 

“Maybe she dyed her hair?”  Finn mumbled. 

“Yeah maybe.”  Chop agreed.  “Maybe she catfishing you, like you catfishing her.” 

“He’s not catfishing her!”  Archie answered indignantly.  “He’s just taking looks outta the equation so they can make a real connection.” 

“Alright, then why not have no picture at all then?”  Chop asked smarmily.

“Cos no one’d answer a faceless chat request.”  Archie answered as if it were obvious.  Chop rolled his eyes.

“Reverse image search her.”  Chop told Finn, “You’ll find out quick smart.” 

“I don’t wanna.”  Finn answered, “I trust her.” 

“After a week.”  Chop was sceptical, “red flag land.”

“You what?”  Archie asked, unimpressed.

“You know, they’re always tellin’ birds to watch out for red flags on this online dating thing.  Like he had no online presence, or he uses certain words, or he moves too fast.”  Chop gave Finn a meaningful look. 

“I’m not askin’ her to fuckin’ marry me.”  Finn snarked, “I just wanna give this the best chance it’s got.  So I’m gonna trust her.” 

*

*

*

_I’ve never really talked about it.  I guess it felt pretty shit that she could just never talk to me again like that._

_I mean – she birthed me!  You’d think that maybe that’d make you more likely to I dunno… just… wanna stay in contact?_

*

_My dad left too_

_I don’t know if you ever really get over it, you know?_

_Like I think I’ll always wonder why he didn’t want me._

*

_Exactly!_

_Why didn’t she want me?  What’s wrong with me?_

*

_Yeah but you can’t think that way Finlay._

_It’s on them, it’s not on us.  them leaving says more about them than it does about us._

_It says that they were cowards.  They were foolish adult-children who couldn’t take responsibility for the life they brought into this world._

_All it says about us is that we deserved better, and thank fuck one of our parents was worth something._

*

_Aye, I figured I couldn’t spend the rest of me life trying to figure out the reasons of someone who don’t give a fuck about me.  Why give her so much of my time and energy and thoughts and emotions when she gave me nought?_

_But it’s helpful to think like that – that it’s more about her than me._

_Thanks Rae – you make everything better_

_I like talking to you so much_

Rae read his message with a huge grin. 

“Oh shit.”  She whispered to herself.  “I like him.” 

She got up and paced her bedroom. 

“It’s only been a month.”  She told herself.  “You haven’t talked for real yet… I don’t even know what his voice sounds like.” 

She sat back down at the computer, determined that she did not feel something blossoming in her guts.

She put one of his photos into Google image search.

“Fucker’s prob’ly a catfish.”  She whispered.  Her mind swirled with the guilt she felt; she was the catfish.

The photograph came back with no matches.  Rae furrowed her brows. 

She searched Finn Nelson and found several Facebooks with that name; none of them had his photo, but one of them had a picture of the Coachella stage from last year, so Rae thought it was probably him.  The privacy and security settings were up high and she couldn’t access any details or photos of him. 

She leaned back in her chair, her eyes narrowing. 

“Who are you Finn Nelson?”  She asked his Facebook. 

*

_Wanna talk?  Just phone at first?_

Finn’s stomach dropped and then back-flipped and then when soaring.

*

_Aye, tonight?_

Rae’s eyes went over the two words at least a thousands times before she sent him her phone number.

“Oh fuck.”  She hoped she wasn’t making a mistake. 

She nearly jumped out of her skin when her phone rang almost immediately.  She stared at it for a moment before answering.

“Hello?”

“Hello.”  His voice was warm and tentative. 

“D’you know, some radical Christians wanna change hello to heaven-o.”  Rae asked.  There was a pause before he started laughing. 

“Nah, I didn’t know that.”  He was still laughing.  “Bloody pillocks.”  She loved the way he swore. 

“It is a bit daft.”  Rae agreed, “’Specially since it comes from Old High German; it’s basically a bastardisation of hola.  And also the French hola as well… which basically means ‘whoa there.’”  Rae stopped, shaking her head at herself and the way her tongue did just run on when she was nervous. 

“I like your voice.”  Finn answered in the silence.  “It’s daft but… it’s seems… kinda familiar.” 

“I get what you mean.”  Rae replied, butterflies taking flight in her stomach. 

“So what do you wanna talk about Rae?”

“So I’m not Earl today?”  She teased.

“Not now that I hear your voice.”  He answered, “You’re definitely a Rae.”

“And what about my voice makes me a Rae?”

“It’s just…”  Finn tried to think of the right words, “I guess words on a screen seem more impersonal than hearing your voice.”

“You don’t sound how I thought you would.”  Rae said.

“You either.”  Finn looked back at her OKCupid pictures, “But I like it.”

Rae felt a sudden, and, she knew, entirely irrational, hope that he would have the same reaction when he saw her. 

“So I noticed there’s a lot o’ 90s band in your favourites list...”

“Aye.”

“What were you like in the 90s?”

“Bit of a grumpy sod really.”  Finn answered, “Everything was pretty boring, and nothing was going the way I wanted it to.  Except music.”  She could hear the grin in his voice.  She looked back at his OKCupid pictures.  That grin seemed more cheeky than the face she was looking at could muster.  She knew she had no way of knowing that, but she felt it in her bones that he was giving her a cheeky grin as he spoke.  “Didn’t really start to enjoy life till me 20s.”

“What happened then?”

“I got me job.  I love it.  Having something I loved really picked me mood up right proper.”  Finn explained.  “What about you?  What were you like in the 90s?”

Rae hesitated for only a moment before deciding to trust him.

“I were in a mental home for some of it.”  There was a silence and then a slight noise, as if he was considering that.

“You’re alright now but?”

“Yeah.”  Rae answered feeling an incredible sense of elation.  He was the first person who hadn’t asked her why she’d been in a mental hospital.  “I were real depressed and I hurt meself.”  Rae didn’t mind telling him, “Did a lot o’ therapy, got better.”  Rae shrugged and then shook her head at herself; he couldn’t see her shrugging.  “Anyway, other than that I were funny as fuck, and also the most knowledgeable about music in me friend group.  Like Chloe knows nothing.” 

“Oh oi that reminds me; I know Chop, Izzy’s lad.”  Finn felt a surge of panic, his mind screaming at him to shut up.  He had lost himself in enjoying her and forgot that he was a liar.  He was a catfish.

“Wow…”  Rae felt her heart drop, a deadweight of panic settling over her stomach; it was only a matter of time before he found out the truth.

“He said you and Chloe were both top birds.”  Finn’s mind kept asking him why he had done that; now she’d probably go and ask Chop about him.  He wondered if maybe he wanted to get found out.  He didn’t want to lie to her anymore; he really liked her.  But he had no idea how to tell her the truth. 

“Aye but he only met us for a few minutes.”  Rae answered, “He and Iz have been real busy with work so…”  Rae’s mouth felt dry.  “Small world.”  Her voice sounded small.  How was this possible?  How could they both know Chop and never have met?  How could she ever keep up this rouse now?  She didn’t want to see or hear his disappointment when he found out that she didn’t look like Chloe. 

“Aye I don’t see ‘im as much as I’d like anymore.”  Finn said.  “Small world aye, but he don’t remember which one o’ you is Rae and which is Chloe!”  Finn laughed, “So he couldn’t tell me much.  Just that-”  But he stopped.  He didn’t really want to tell her this.

“What?”

“Oh nothing.”  Finn shrugged and tried to sound dismissive.

“No what?”  Rae insisted.

“Oh…”  Finn groaned, “Just that he thought I’d more go for Chlo than you, cos I normally go for brunettes.  And she got good taste in music apparently?” 

“He got that mixed up.” Rae answered, “I’m the music girl.”  Rae’s heart was pounding in her chest.

“Aye I can tell!”  Finn chuckled, “Plus you know… with the brunette thing… I don’t really care that much about looks.  You can’t have a conversation with looks, y’know?”  Finn hoped that she would see it this way; he hoped she could forgive him in this lie.  He hoped she wasn’t too attached to Archie’s face.  “I mean, don’t get me wrong, having a nice face to look at while you’re talking about music don’t hurt.  But it’s not everything.”

“Aye.”  Rae desperately hoped that he really meant that.  She was regretting using Chloe’s photos more and more.  And the excuse that she was going to use when Chloe inevitably found out, that it was research for that article, had been a useless excuse for weeks and weeks now; the article was done and dusted, printed in last month’s issue of the magazine.  And here was this guy, that she really liked, looking at a picture of Chloe, and really liking her.

Rae felt a kind of desperate sadness mixed with dwindling hope. 

“Anyway.”  He was saying, “tell me more about ickle Rae!”

“What do ya wanna know?”

“Everything o’ course!”

“Oh right, so you’re not asking for much!”  Rae laughed.

“Nah, perfectly reasonable request.”  Finn grinned cheekily. 

“Well knowing everything about me comes at a cost…”  Rae teased.

“Oh aye?”  He asked playfully.

“Yeah, I gotta know everything about you too.”

“A price I’m willing to pay.”  He answered in a mock-stoic voice.  Rae laughed loudly.  “Fuck I love your laugh.” 

Rae was silent for a moment.

“I’m glad we did this.”  She told him. 

“Caw we do it again, after we hang up tonight, can I ring you again... maybe tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

*

*

*

“How do you see your future?”  Rae was lying diagonally on her king sized bed, her feet up on the wall, her long hair hanging off the edge.  “I mean, heavy question and everything, seeing as how we only known each other 7 weeks… but I wanna know… so…”

“To be honest, I been kinda lonely lately.  I used to be a bit of a player.”  He laughed awkwardly, Rae delighting in his embarrassment, “Then I had a bit of a serious relationship, lasted a few years.”

“What were ‘er name?”

“Olivia.”  Finn answered. “She were real nice, and I loved her.  But when it came to it, she wnanted to get married and I just… didn’t.” 

“So marriage not for you then?”

“I dunno.”  Finn considered, “I think that maybe it is now.  I wanna settle down with a nice woman who gets me.”  He shrugged, he wished she could see him do things like shrug, “Whether that’s marriage or not I don’t really care… just as long as I get to… have someone.” 

“I get that.”  Rae answered, “Marriage isn’t the only way to have a relationship.” 

“Aye.”

“And it don’t mean you’re not in this together just cos you’re not married.”

“That’s right.”  Finn agreed, “And you know, with so many people around the world who wanna get married and can’t, I feel like it kinda takes away from marriage.”

“Aye, having people who can’t access it the same as we can makes it kinda… nasty… All them bigots say it makes it special to exclude some, but I reckon it just kinda makes it disgusting.  Makes me want it less.  Makes it have less meaning to me if it’s something only some people can have.”

“Aye, if it’s not universal… a right everyone has… then what’s it fucking mean?  What’s it worth?”

“I was so proud when we legalised gay marriage.  But one o’ me mates is in a polyamorous relationship, 2 guys, 3 girls, an’ they can’t get married.”

“That sucks.  Gotta keep fighting.”

“Yeah.”

“Me best mate Archie did so much protesting and fighting for equal marriage rights.  He wanted to get married to his guy at the time, Corey.”

“Corey?”  Rae tried not to laugh.

“Aye it’s twat name right?”

“Yes!”  Rae laughed,

“Twat name for a twat.”  Finn continued, “Cos it turns out he wasn’t wanting to marry, even though he’d told Archer he did.  Left Archer on the day marriage was legalised for them.”

“What a fucking twat.”

“Oh aye.”  Finn agreed, “Archie had to watch all his gay mates getting married on the spot, happy that all their fighting had finally fucking gotten somewhere, while ‘is heart were fucking breaking.  I wanted to smash Corey.”

“People would’ve said you were a homophobe!” 

“More like a Corey-phobe.” 

“I love how you wanna protect the people you love.”  Rae grinned stupidly down the phone, twirling her hair around her finger.  “You’d prob’ly make a great dad.”

“Maybe.”  Finn considered.  “Not sure I’m enough of a grown up for that yet!”  They laughed.

“Aye me either.”  She conceded, “But then I keep thinking, but I am getting on…”

“Oh aye, let’s get you in that Zimmer frame now!”  Finn teased.

“Says the old fart.”  Rae noted that he was older than her.

“What?” He put on a grouchy old man’s voice.  “Can’t hear ya pet!”

“I said you’re old!”  Rae raised her voice and mocked him gleefully.

“What’s old?  Where am I?  Who am I?”  They cackled together and then Finn sighed, “I shouldn’t mock dementia, it’s actually fucking awful.”  He said slightly sourly, “Me aunt got bad last year, broke me da’s heart watching her mind deteriorate… and then she walked into traffic.”

“Oh god.”  Rae whispered in a horrified voice.  “Is she ok?  Are you ok?”

“Aye, she’s in a home now.  Go visit ‘er every week.”  He said sadly.  “I miss her.  She used to give me lollies whenever da weren’t looking.  Then when I got older she’d slip me money.  Then when I were in me late teens she slipped me books about sex and drugs and ‘ow to be good and safe…”

“She sounds amazing.”

“She never had kids of her own, so she always looked after me.”  Finn paused.  “Now she hardly ever recognises me.”

“I’m so sorry.”  Rae sympathised.   
“S’alright.  It’s life innit?” 

“Aye, we’re at that age now where all our older relatives are…”  Rae thought about her grandmother dying last year at the age of 89, “Leaving us.” 

“Who’d you lose?”

“Nan.”  Rae answered, “We knew she’d go.  Me mum jokes that when they don’t poo anymore you know it’s time.  She’s a nurse so…”

“So she’s seen it a lot.”  Finn understood.

“Yeah.  It was weird how clinical she were about it while we was in hospital, cos it’s were she works.  She changed her own mum’s bedpan…”  Rae said softly, remembering how mortified her grandmother had been, but how she hadn’t said a word, understanding that it was her daughter’s job.  “She fell apart when we got home.” 

“Yeah I reckon I might not be too graceful when me dad kicks on.”

“I don’t even wanna think about me mum dying.” 

“Let’s make a cuppa tea.”  Finn said soothingly.  “Tea makes everything better.”

“I agree, actually.”  Rae said as she got up and headed to the kitchen, the phone still plastered to her ear.  “What kinda tea?”

“I’m pretty easy going, but black or earl grey.”

“Earl grey.”  Rae agreed. 

“So tell me all about your past lads.”  Finn said, “Any ladies?”  He asked cheekily.

“Might’ve been.”  Rae laughed and Finn gave an appreciative noise in reply.  “Well, me first real boyfriend were a lad named Saul… he weren’t real nice, but at the time I didn’t think I could do better.”

“I hope you know better now?”

“I do.”  Rae’s voice was firm, “He were real mean to me, he thought he were better than me, said I couldn’t get no one else cos I were fat.”  Rae stopped, horrified that she’d let that out.  The photos she’d used of Chloe showed her as a very thin woman.

“Is that why you got so skinny?”  Finn asked, “I mean I don’t think you can control weight that easily, but…”  He was worried he’d said too much by commenting on her body like that.

“Uh no…”  Rae said softly. 

“I mean…”  Finn tried to fix it, “You should’a just stayed fat and said fuck ’em all.”  Rae laughed nervously, “No I’m serious Rae, it’s a good fucking litmus test; if some guy’s gonna judge you cos o’ your weight, you already know he’s not good enough for ya.  So you can move on to the next guy, and hopefully he won’t be a fucking twat.”  Finn was on a roll now. “And that means he if judges ya for being skinny or fat.  You can’t tell fucking aught about a person by their fucking size.”

“Aye but some people don’t find fat people attractive.”  Rae felt a glimmer of hope in her heart.

“Fuck that shit.”  Finn answered, “How ya gonna tell me that you know what every fat person in the world looks like?  Or what they’re personality’s like?  Ya can’t.  Ya just conditioned by fucking porno and computer games and tv to think birds only look one way.  They look loads o’ different ways, and that’s alright.”  Rae could practically hear him shrugging, “Cos you can’t tell aught about a person from their fucking looks.  If that’s what you’re basing things on, you’re gonna have a fucking bad time.  And you deserve to have a bad time.”

“So you find fat chicks attractive?”  She tried to keep the hopeful tone out of her voice.

“No.”  Finn answered and Rae felt her hope die, “I don’t find any particular group of women attractive.  I don’t break women down to their body parts and judge them for that.  They’re whole complete human beings to me.  I’m attracted to smart, funny girls with good taste in music.  And alright, that girl’s often been a brunette; I’m not attached to the idea she has to have brown hair, y’know?” 

“Aye.”  Rae felt hope again.

“And y’know smart can mean so many things.  She can be dumb as shit at school type knowledge, but know how to take apart an engine, or how to survive in a desert, or how to play the fucking violin.  I just want her to be using her brain in some way… I find that so attractive.”

“What about girls who are experts in makeup and nails and hair…?”

“Oh aye, that’s a kind o’ smart!”  Finn answered. 

“What about people who aren’t neurotypical?”  Rae asked, thinking about her mental illness.  She had it under control nowadays, but Kester had told her that it would forever be a part of her life; a part of her life she would have to constantly manage and keep vigilance over. 

“Y’know me mum never wanted to have more kids once she got to a certain age, cos she were right worried they’d come out wrong.  Me da used to say that the entirety o’ the human race happened because of a few tiny genetic mutations.  We all exist cos something went wrong… So why do we try so hard to stop something else from going wrong?  Why are we so abhorred by people who are different, when we ourselves were the different ones once…?”

“D’you thinks those first primate-slash-hominids knew they was different?”

“Aye I do.”  Finn said, “We always know in what ways we’re different.  I think it’s been a part of our genes for a long time.” 

“Aye…”  Rae said thoughtfully.  “My mum used to say the same sorta thing about accepting people who was different.”  Rae said, “Especially when we was right worried that Jazz might not turn out right cos o’ her age.”

“Jazz is good name!  Short for Jasmine?”

“No, we just called her Jazz.”  Rae answered.  “Mum was gonna go with Jasmine, but she just seemed like a Jazz… so Jazz she is.” 

“So who came after Saul?”  Finn got the topic back on track.

“A lad named Liam.  He was kinda mental, like me… But we was both on the tail end of finally getting over it.  And we helped each other a lot.  I think if I’d known him a few months earlier, he’d o’ been right destructive for me.  But cos I met ‘im when I did, we was real good for each other.  We’re still good mates.”

“Why didn’t it…?”

“Oh we just weren’t the right fit.”  Rae answered, “it’s hard to explain, but after a bit o’ fucking around together we just kinda naturally fell into being mates.  It’s obviously what we were meant for.”  Rae said, “After Liam, there were a lad named Harvey, and I were with him for a year.”  Rae was silent for a moment and Finn felt that heartache with her; he knew what it was to lose someone you loved.  He had loved Olivia, even if he hadn’t wanted to marry her, “He was my professor at university.”

“Oh fuck.”  Finn was surprised.

“I had him in the first semester, and as soon as he weren’t me teacher no more he made his move, and I was so surprised and excited by him.”  She sighed.  “It ended when I found out he were married.”

“Oh shit.”  Finn said sympathetically. 

“Aye it’s alright,” Rae said with a devilish grin, “Cos I told his wife what he’d done.  Turned out she was the wealthy one, and they had a pre-nup.  She left him, and took everything.”  Finn laughed loudly.

“Alright don’t mess with you!”  He laughed gleefully. 

“At the time I didn’t think it were revenge; I thought it were female solidarity.  Y’know, I had to tell my fellow woman that some fucking arsehole was using her.  But now when I look back on it, there was a big part of it that were revenge too.”

“Well good, he fucking deserved it.  Cheating bastard.”

“Aye exactly.”  Rae agreed.  “Then it were Janelle…”  Rae said slowly, waiting for his reply.

“Oh hello!”  Finn grinned and Rae laughed down the phone. 

“Oh I loved her so much.”  Rae sighed.  “3 years together…”

“What happened?”

“Her parents were keen on the pray-the-gay-away stuff…”  Rae said softly, “They worked over time to get their little girl back and they won in the end.  She married now to a good, conservative, Christian man, got kids.  She smiles, but her eyes are dead.”

“You still see her?”

“Aye she lives up the road.”  Rae said.  “She don’t like me coming too close.  I think she’s afraid I’ll ruin the façade she built up, y’know?  Or her kids’ll catch gay off me.”  Rae chuckled humourlessly. 

“Fucking rubbish.”

“I still get sad when I think about what they done to her.  But I remember the night when she left.  Told me that it were just easier to do what they wanted than to keep fighting.  Told me that our love just weren’t worth the struggle no more.”  Rae was silent for a moment, “And I hope she can find happiness now.  Cos it’ll never be with me.  No one can tell me that my love isn’t worth fighting for and have me keep lovin’ ‘em like I loved her.”  Rae said, “I know what happened to her is disgusting, and wrong… and I know she were under so much pressure from all sides, and she were just tired and she wanted to take what she thought might be the easy road just once… but I still got thrown away.  And I can’t leave myself open for that happening again.  So I closed me heart off to her.  It don’t hurt when I see ‘er no more.”

“Fair enough.”  Finn said sympathetically.  “Just cos someone’s been through hell it don’t mean you have to just accept being treated badly by ‘em.”  He understood.

“And after her it was just a string of nothing all that exciting with a few almost relationships.”  Rae shrugged, “But I’m really starting to feel like… like I want something more.”

“Aye me too.”

*

*

*

Rae yawned and did a bad job of hiding it.  She sat down at the café where she was meeting Chloe for lunch and checked her messages.  He still hadn’t replied. 

“Bloody work.  Having to adult all the time.”  She complained to herself.  She looked around the café, waiting for Chloe and wondering what Finn was doing right now.

And then she saw him.  He was waiting at the counter, chatting animatedly to Izzy. 

“Shit!”  Rae squeaked and put the menu up to cover her face before Izzy saw her.  Izzy would introduce her to Finn, and he’d know she’d lied about how she looked… that she in fact was not a gorgeous skinny blond like Chloe… she was her gorgeous fat brunette self… that just never got any good hits online.  She peeked around the menu at them talking.  He looked so cute; the way he moved, the way he laughed.  He pushed his glasses up on his nose as he kept talking.  She wished she could hear his voice; to hear him and see him at the same time…

And then the panic that Chloe would come before they left settled in her stomach.

“Fuck…”  Rae whispered.  How could this be happening now?  All the years she’d lived in and around Stamford and never met this guy, and now her and Chloe and Izzy were about to all be in the same room with him at the same time. 

She wished she could just sit back and enjoy how cute he was instead of panicking about being caught.  And then the chef chimed his bell, put some wrapped up food on the counter and the waitress handed it to Finn and Izzy, and they left without seeing her. 

She sighed in relief. 

“Saved by the bell.”  She said as the bell that the chef hit tinged again and a new plate of food was served up and taken by a waitress to a table.  “At least I know he’s a real person now.”  Rae mused, “And he’s quite the dish.” 

“What dish hun?”  A waitress asked, thinking that Rae was asking her to pick up a dish from the table. 

“Oh um… just thinking out loud about what I’m gonna order.”  Rae saw that look in the waitress’s eye, the one that said she was wondering just sow mad Rae was. 

“Ok pet.”  She said and left Rae to it. 

Rae looked down at her phone and saw a message from Finn.  She grinned as she read it and quickly typed a reply as Chloe sat down. 

*

*

*

As soon as she’d seen the teal underwear set she’d knew she had to have them. 

As soon as she got home she gently washed them and waited for them to dry on the clothes horse. 

As soon as they were dry she put them on.  Finally!  She’d had to wait since yesterday!

As soon as she looked at herself in the mirror she had the urge to call Finn. 

“Hey.”  His voice sounded warm and inviting, but also confused by her call; they didn’t talk during the day that often because of work.  While both of them worked from home, they both wanted to maintain good working practices and keep basic office hours.

“I just bought a truly beautiful, very sexy set of teal underwear.  They’re quite lacy, very arousing…”  She told him.

“Oh…” The tone of his voice told Rae just how much he truly appreciated that imagery. 

“But since these are work hours… better change the topic quick!”  She teased.

“What?”  He sounded frustrated and Rae enjoyed that. 

“D’you prefer Skyrim or Oblivion?”  Rae asked and Finn sucked in air dramatically.

“Asking the big questions!”  Finn laughed.  “So are the knickers, full briefs, or high cut, or g-string, or…?”

“Mr Nelson!”  Rae said in mock outrage, doing her best upper-class-British accent.  “This is a work environment!  We can not have you running around so unprofessionally!  Sexually harassing all the young ladies in the office!”

“As I recall Ms Earl, the young lady in question accosted me with saucy tales of sexy undies…”  Finn put on the same accent, not quite so well as Rae, but it was a good attempt. 

“Are you telling me that the lady in question is actually a tramp?”

“Oh god I hope so.”  Finn said smuttily.  Rae burst into laughter.

“Well I can be persuaded to be…”  She teased.

“Oh right, What have I gotta-?”  There was a loud ringing nose and he sighed, “That’s me boss calling.” 

“You have landline?”  Rae asked in a scandalised voice.”

“Aye, me boss insisted.  I gotta go.  I’ll call tonight.  Love ya.”  He hung up and Rae stared at the wall for a moment.  They’d been talking for nearly 3 months, and Rae knew that if she had had this kind of emotional closeness with someone she was talking to in person, she’d expect to hear that they loved her… but for some reason it was different because they’d never seen each other in person… because he’d never seen her; the real her.  The fat her.

She huffed loudly.

She’d done a lot of work on not hating her fat body, but she still lived in ‘the real world’ and she knew what men could be like when it came to women’s bodies.  It still hurt. 

“If he hates me fat body he’s not worth me time.”  She declared loudly, but inside she was scared of that rejection.  In reality she had feelings for him; she was invested in this.  And she had lied to him about her appearance.

In the past, she’d overcome her fear of rejection by not letting herself get too invested in a potential lover until she knew their attitude to her body.  She’d also learned to roll with the punches; if you wanted to date and be happy and find love, you had to take the risk that you’d get rejected.  She’d taught herself that someone rejecting her was no reflection on herself.  There could be many of reasons why someone didn’t want to date her and none of them were because she was bad.  They didn’t actually know her, so how could their rejection be about her and not more about their own prejudices?  And if they were able to reject someone based solely on their appearance, then they weren’t the kind of person she wanted to be with anyway.

But this was different.

She was invested.  He knew her pretty well.

If he rejected her, he was rejecting everything he knew about her.  Including that she had lied to him, and that would hurt so much; to know that it would be all her fault if this ended.  Because of her lie. 

She doubted that he would reject her based on looks.  It would all be because of her actions; because of what she did, because of who she is… a liar.

Rae took a deep breath and for the first time in a long time, she found it hard to look at herself in the mirror.

“I have to tell him…”  Her stomach knotted in fear.  “I can’t… I don’t wanna lose him.”  She said to the mirror.  “I’m guaranteed to lose him if I don’t tell him and he finds out some other way…”  She told herself.  “You gotta be brave girl.  You gotta apologise… and hope he’ll forgive ya.”  Fear scratched through her innards and she sat down on the bed, taking deep breaths to get it under control.  She didn’t want her fear to freeze her into inaction like it had in her past. 

*

*

*

“I have managed to get her to 3 months of long, incredible, phone calls, without going to video chat.”  Finn said miserably.  His anxiety about this whole thing was starting to get out of control.

“Well, she obviously really likes you.”  Archie answered with an encouraging tone.  “Maybe you can…”

“Oh Rae, I know we’ve both said that we have feelings for each other, so I think it’s now the time to reveal that I’m a huge fucking lying arsehole, dickface, cumrag, that don’t deserve none o’ your time or trust or love… Fuck…”  Finn banged his head down on the table and Archie stared at him for a moment.

“You can’t love this girl Finn.”  Archie told him.  He knew Finn well enough to know that Finn thought he was falling in love.  “You’ve never even seen her!”

“It don’t matter!”  Finn answered, “I know who she is.  We talk every night.”

“Finn…”

“If I had talked to a girl, in person, pretty much every night for the past 3 months and thought I loved ‘er, would ya be making a fuss?”  Finn sniped angrily.

“Alright alright.”  Archie said defensively.  “Fucking relax mate.”

“I can’t relax!”  Finn was halfway between furious and utterly miserable.  “Why did I let ya talk me into this?  Everything’s fucking fucked the fuck up!”

“If you really do have a connection, maybe she’ll forgive you…?”  Archie tried.

“Oh don’t put that on her.”  Finn shook his head, “The lie’s on me.  I did this.  Don’t tell her that she has no right to be pissed off and cut me out of her life!  Don’t tell her she has to forgive me cos we got a connection based on a fucking lie!”  Finn stood up angrily as he imagined this catastrophe, his chair clattering to the ground.  “I’m fucked!” 

“I think… maybe I was wrong to-”

“Oh ya think?”  Finn snapped. 

“You didn’t have to do it!”  Archie snarked and crossed his arms grumpily.

“I have to tell her… how am I gonna tell her?  Oh my fucking god… I’m fucked.”  Archie had never seen Finn so worked up over anything.  “My whole fucking life is over.” 

*

*

*

“I want you to tell me everything you’re wearing.”  Soft, husky voice.

“Oh right…?”  Unsure, “Ok… well jeans and a shirt.”

“Shoes, socks, underwear?”

“Aye all o’ that too.”

“I am going to kneel at your feet, and unlace your shoes slowly, keeping eye contact the whole time…”

“Wait a mo, what’re you wearing?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“Absolutely nothing.”

“Huh…”  Desire.

“My eyes are on yours.  My fingers are slowly unlacing your shoes, my hand slides up your calf as I slide your shoe off.”

“Aye…” 

“Slowly, I take your other shoe off.  Gently slide your socks off, my fingers tickling the underside of your feet gently.”  A soft groan.  “My hands slide up your thighs, over your jeans.  My eyes still on yours.  My lips….”  A teasing pause. 

“Yeah…?”  Lustful.

“Kiss along your fly, my tongue licking the denim.”

“Fucking -”  Breathy.  “Hell…”

“My teeth grasp the zipper and slowly unzip it.  My eyes still on yours.”

“My hands stroke your hair gently.”  Unsure, but wanting to try. 

“My fingers trace patterns on your thighs as I take your thumb into my mouth.”

“Rae…”  Excited lust, mixed with guilt. 

“My tongue slides down your thumb, my eyes on yours.  And then I suck it, gently letting it slide out between my lips.  You don’t even notice my fingers unbuttoning your jeans.”

“I’ll notice as soon as you slide my jeans down…”

“All in good time sir.” 

“Sir…?”

“For today.”  Sexy, sinful, teasing.  “My hands find their way under your shirt, sliding over your stomach towards your chest, my cheek rubbing against your groin, my tongue swirling around your thumb slowly.”

“I pull me shirt off with me spare hand.” 

“Hmmm.”  Lusty delight.  “You’re so sexy.  Your skin is beautiful, your body delights me.”  Deep aching desire to see him in person.  “Finally, my hands start to pull your jeans towards the floor, your thumb still in my mouth, I’m looking into your eyes now.”

“Rae…”  A breathless moan.

“Oh dear!”  Fake shock, “Your underwear have come down with your jeans.  Whatever is a girl to do?” 

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”  Amused, sexual longing, aching.

“I’m sure I will.”

“Tease.”

“You have no idea…”

“Am I about to find out?”  A deep need inside that must be satiated. 

“If you’re very good…”

“I prefer to be bad…”

“Oh well in that case, I’ll have no choice but to jump right in and slide my mouth down the shaft of your cock.”

“Hmmm.”  Deep throaty groan.  Finn finds his hand sliding down his pants. 

“D’you think I’ll be able to get your full length down my throat?”

“Depends how talented y’are…”

“Oh I’m very talented.”  That confidence…

“You’re welcome to try.”

“My throat is tight around the head of your delicious cock as I push further and further, trying to get my nose to touch your stomach.” 

“Feels amazing…”  He stroked his cock slowly, not wanting to finish too soon. 

“You’re so hard.”

“Aye…”

“Send me a picture?”

“Really?”

“Aye.”

“Fuck… um… alright…”  Finn looked down at his erect cock and turned his phone towards it, snapping a photo.  His pubes could probably do with a trimming and he grimaced when he saw them in the photograph.  But overall the photo did him justice so he sent it before he had chance to think twice. 

“Hmm, I can’t wait.”  Delicious anticipation.

“Alright…” Nervous anticipation. 

“Oh I got it…”  She opened the picture and made a lusty noise.  “Well I’ve got a nice cock to work with don’t I?”  He loved the satisfied tone she had.  She emailed it to herself and pulled the image up on her computer.  “Very nice…”

“Can I get a pic?”

“What of?”

“I dunno… your…”

“Vagina?”  Amused.

“Aye.”

“Pussy…?”

“Send me a pic girl?”  Rae paused, giddy with adrenalin, lust and general excitement.  His voice was lusty and needy.  She started to giggle.  “You’re blushing aren’t ya?”  Rae chortled as she reached down, parting her lips and snapped a photo.  “I bet you’re blushing.  I love it!”  He was laughing too.  Rae looked at the photo of her aroused vagina, her clitoris firm and proud, her opening wet and ready, her pubis mound smooth from the Brazilian wax job Chloe had talked her into getting last week.  She sent him the pic, still giggling, and waiting, holding her breath. 

“I’ve sent it.”  Seductive.

“You’re killing me girl.”  Silence, anticipation.  A throaty groan.  “Wow…”  Finn stared at it as he sent the image to his computer, wanting to be able to look at it as he spoke to her.  He put his phone back up to his ear as he opened his email and downloaded the picture. 

“Now then… where were we?  That’s right, clumsy me – I’d accidentally pulled down your underwear with your jeans.  Oh no…”

“Oh no.” 

“And the only way I could make it up to you was to squeeze that truly impressive cock down my throat.”

“All the way.”

“I think I can manage it… but I will gag…” 

“Oh…” Appreciative, admiration.

“It’s so hard to get it all the way down, but I want to.  it’s such a beautiful cock.  I want it all.  You taste amazing.”  Rae let her fingers circle her clitoris as she spoke.

“Aye?”  
“Aye… just wanna get you all wet and slide my mouth up and down.  I’m gently massaging your balls.   Moving my mouth up and down, my tongue sliding over the head of your cock every time my head comes up.”

“Hmmm…”

“Let me suck those balls.  Run my tongue over them, taste them salty on my tongue…  suck them into my mouth, my hand stroking your cock, my eyes still looking up at you.  Are you stroking your gorgeous cock?”

“Fuckin’ oath Rae…”

“Hmmm… so hot…” 

“You playin’ with yourself?”

“Yes.”  She answered sinuously.  “How could I stop myself after seeing your picture?”  Finn chortled, “Now who’s blushing?” 

“I’m too turned on to blush… got no blood for it…”  Her throaty laugh made him ache to touch her.  He wanted to feel her warm skin under his hands.  He’d always said to Archie that he’d know someone was the woman for him by the way she felt when he touched her.  He was very tactile; and he knew that the woman for him would just feel right when his fingers traced patterns over her skin, spelling out words of love and lust and dreams.  He knew she’d feel warm and soft as his hands glided over her curves. 

He’d know if she was the one by touching her.  He’d always known that.  And he had an overwhelming urge to touch her right now.  And not just because she sounded so sexy and he so wanted to have sex with her… but because of all the things he’d learned about her over the past few months, how well they spoke; the banter was mint, and their never ending argument over who knew music better. 

Everything in his gut was screaming at him that she might be the magical one that he was beginning to think didn’t exist. 

“Oh that’s what I like to hear!” 

“I’m gonna run my hands slowly over every inch o’ your body.  I wanna touch you… I wanna feel you… I wanna taste ya Rae.”

“Well maybe it’s time for me to stand up, kissing your stomach, your chest, your neck, your lips…”  She let out a breathy sigh as she thought about kissing his lips.  “Hmmm…”

“I push you back onto the bed, I want you to know I mean business, I can’t wait any longer, I gotta taste ya.”

“I arch my back, wanting to rise my body up to your mouth.” 

“Your skin is so fucking beautiful and warm…”

“I’m always warm to touch.” 

“I knew you would be.”  _She’s perfect._   “You taste salty and sexy and my mouth is open and lapping you up.”

“Oh but my knees and pressed demurely together.”  Rae teased in an innocent voice.

“I’ll just kiss your thighs…”

“That tickles!  Maybe I’ll just squeeze my legs even more together?”

“No more teasing girl, open ya legs…”

“Of course I’ll open my thighs for you…” 

Silence, panting.  Such simple words, but Finn felt them in the pit of his stomach like a powerful promise. 

“I’m looking at your picture.”  Finn whispered, “Your cunt’s so pretty.”

“Oh I do love a dirty mouth.”

“Good, cos I’m about to dirty up your cunt with it.”

“Oh I want you so bad.”  Rae groaned, finally letting her fingers rub her clitoris instead of circle round it tantalisingly. 

“Rae Earl, I’m gonna go down on you for so fucking long, I’m gonna have’ta grow gills to survive it.”  Rae laughed, but she was also so turned on by his blunt, raw, desire.  There was no artifice in the way he presented his lust.  She liked it.  He was honest. 

“So I won’t have to tie you down and sit on your face then…?”

“Oh I didn’t say that…. if you’re offering, I can take that!”

“I always wanted a man who liked to please me with his mouth…”

“Oh I’m gonna be down there every day girl.”

“Every day?”

“Aye, you think a little blood’s gonna scare me off?  I wanna see you cum.  I wanna make you cum… every day.  I want my mouth on your pussy…”

“So sexy…”

“I’m licking your pussy lips.”  He looked down at the photo again, “teasing.”

“Don’t tease…”

“I’m kissing the inside o’ ya thighs.”

“Ugh!”  Rae groaned.

“Licking ya crack.  Lick from your arsehole to ya pussy hole… over and over again, slowly, but firm… until you’re begging me to lick your clit.  And then I’m gonna bite the inside o’ ya thigh.”

“Finn!”  Rae’s voice was commanding.

“Flip ya over, go to fucking town on your arsehole.  I’ll get my tongue right in there.”

“You are so fucking dirty…”

“You got no idea…”

“It’s good, means you’ll be able to keep up with me.”

“Oh…”  Finn was struck again by how compatible they were, “Be still my beating heart.”

“Don’t worry about ya heart, how’s ya tongue?”

“Good.  How’s ya clit?”  He grinned cheekily and Rae knew for sure he was the sort of lad that would be giving her cheeky grins for the rest of her life. 

“Oh fuck…”  She whispered as that realisation hit her hard.  But Finn misread her words.

“That good huh?”  He teased, “Well let’s get back to that rimjob.”  He teased.  Rae giggled, her face going red again, not because of the dirty talk but because she had realised how deep her feelings were for him while having phone sex.

“Get ya tongue in there boy.” 

“You fucking bet I will.”  He groaned.  “Then I’ll raise your hips and lick all the way to your pussy again, stick my tongue in there, lap it up… stop just short of your clit…”

“C’mon….” Rae felt her hips rocking rhythmically, “I raise my hips up so my clit brushed your lips.”

“I can’t stop meself now, I practically attack your clit, licking it and sucking it.”

“Hmmmmm.”  Rae bit her bottom lip and rubbed her clit faster. 

“I slow down, soft, tender licks, slowly pull back the clitoral hood and gently lick you.”

“Oh god… I’m pretty sure I’ll cum very quick!”  Rae tried to sound like she was joking, but she really wasn’t.

“Well then I’ll just have to make you cum again.”  He sounded so confident that Rae had to take her finger off her clitoris; she was gonna cum way too soon.  “I slide my fingers inside o’ you, look up into your eyes, pay attention to your groans, find your g-spot, slide my fingers over it, moving them in and out o’ you.”

“I grab your hair and push you mouth back down towards my clit.”

“I eagerly suck and lick it, hoping you’ll squirt in my face.”

“That can be arranged…”  Rae answered smuttily. 

“Fucking girl o’ me dreams here.”  Finn was intensely sexually attracted to her; and he’d never seen her in person.  He never knew that something like was possible.  “Maybe I finger ya a little rougher, get that squirt going?” 

“I’m gonna fucking drench ya face.” 

“You’re gonna make me cum, and I haven’t even gotten inside ya yet…”  Finn groaned. 

“I’ll lick it off your face.”  She told him and delighted in his throaty groan.  “Push you back onto the bed and start sucking your cock hard and fast, my hand moving up and down your shaft in time with my mouth.”

“I’ll grab your hair and thrust into your mouth.”

“I’ll push your cock deeper into my throat.”

“I’ll stop ya cos I don’t wanna cum yet….”

“And I’ll just slowly crawl up your body, my eyes on yours, my breasts siding against your skin as my mouth slowly gets closer to yours.  I’ll kiss you deeply, passionately as I climb on top of you.  I’ll rock my hips back and forth, rubbing your cock between my upper thighs and pussy lips.”

“You fucking tease…”  Finn groaned. 

“It feels good, your cock’s rubbing against my clit…”

“You look amazing sitting on me like this… I run my hands all over your body, I squeeze your tits.”

“Harder Finn.”

“I’ll squeeze them as hard as you want, then I’ll softly stroke your beautiful face and pull you to me for sweet kiss.”

“Our mouths will make love, our hands tenderly caressing each other, while my hips grind into you, still not letting your cock inside of me yet…”

“I’ll grab you and roll you onto your back and slide into you.”

“Oh!”  Rae groaned loudly, she could almost feel that cock of his sliding into her.  She looked at the picture and groaned breathlessly.  She wanted him more than she had wanted any man in her life.  “This is torture… I want to feel you inside o’ me…”  She whispered.

“Slide your fingers in.”  Finn whispered, “Imagine that’s my cock.”  Rae groaned as she did as he said.  They were both breathing rhythmically now, their breaths matching subconsciously. 

“Get your palm good and wet…”  She told him, “Cos my pussy’s dripping.”

“Oh fucking hell Rae.”  Fin breathed.  “I want you.  I wanna do this for real…”

“Me too.”  Rae whimpered with desire, “I wanna feel you sliding in and out.”  He groaned in response, “I want you to feel the way I’ll tighten my muscles around you.”

“I wanna see the way your face looks when I first enter you, when I fill you up…”

“I wanna see the way your face looks when you realise just what a dirty bitch I am.”  They both chuckled, some of the desperation easing out of the conversation. 

“I’m making love to you, slowly grinding my hips, gently stroking your face, staring into your eyes… I’ve got… so many feelings for you Rae…”

“I’m kissing your lips tenderly, the passion deep and slow burning.  I feel the same Finn.”    She admitted “You feel amazing inside of me.”

“Like there’s some o’ force at play, gravity, magnetism….”

“Like a shot of liquid ecstasy straight to the soul.”

“Like it were meant to be.”

“Yes.”  Rae agreed whole-heartedly. 

Silence, mingled with panting, the soft sounds of movement, both of them pleasuring themselves, both of them realising that despite the fact that this was an unconventional relationship, the feelings were very real, and it very much was a relationship. 

“Yes.”  He repeated.

“But I wrestle you back onto your back.”  Rae whispered and Finn gave a soft chuckle.

“Ride me.”  Finn leaned back in his chair decadently, his arm stretching out to keep stroking his cock.  He closed his eyes and imagined her riding him.

“I roll my hips and keep you deep inside o’ me.”

“I grip your hips and enjoy the feel of your movement, your rhythm… you got music in your body, haven’t you Rae?  The way you move, there’s music inside…”

“How d’you know?”

“I know you…”  Finn was surprised at how sure he was of that.  “I feel your music.”

“I feel yours… staccato drums, driving bass, gentle delicate melody, minimal but meaningful lyrics… deep music that you feel in your heart and soul, music that stays with you, that’ll you remember for the rest of your life…”

“Kiss me.”

“Our lips meet, our rhythm slows, and then speeds up into a deep passionate grind.”

“I pick you up and -“

“Woah I’m pretty fucking heavy…”

“You look light as a feather.”  Finn looked back at her photos, “’sides, I’m pretty fucking strong.”  He assured her, “So I’m gonna pick you up, wrap those legs o’ yours round me waist and press your back into the wall.”

“Well if your fucking me up against a wall, you better-”

“Fuck your brains out.”  Finn knew what she was going to say.  “Hard and deep and fast.” 

“I dig my nails into your back…”

“Oh I like getting me back scratched up…”

“I do tend to scratch when I’m coming, ‘specially if it’s a bit rough…”

“Well by the time I got you up against the wall, I’m gonna be a bleeding mess.”  Finn said with a satisfied tone, “Cos I’m gonna make it my mission to make you cum as much as I can… no… as much as you can!” 

“Oh I accept this challenge!”  Rae answered, “Now I want you to ram that cock o’ yours into me hard as you can.  Fuck me while I pull your hair and mark up ya back.”  Her voice was commanding and Finn liked her power, “Eventually we’ll fall to the floor, still fucking, unable to stop, I love it, I love how you feel in me!”  Rae’s voice grew in intensity.  “Your hands on me, our tongues slipping over each other, our bodies dancing, wrestling, rolling, shuddering…”  Her voice grew ragged and Finn felt her urgency, which only increased his own.

“I reach down and rub your clit as we fuck.”

“I’m gonna cum…’  Rae gasped.

“Oh fuck…”  Those words set Finn towards the edge.  “Me too.”

“I wanna taste it…”   Those 4 whispered words had him spurting semen on his thighs, across the floor, onto the computer desk, the sound of her groaning loudly, clearly in ecstasy only heightened his pleasure.  “Oh my god!”  Rae cried out, her orgasm rocking through her body, her body shaking so hard she almost dropped the phone, her muscles contracting deliciously as she threw her head back in pleasure.  “Oh my god.”  She panted again.

“I just wanna kiss you for hours…”  His voice was soft, tired, but exhilarated.

“That’d just get us started again.”

“We both know that’s entirely inevitable.”  Finn looked around at the mess he’d made.  “I got a right mess to clean up.”  He started to laugh before he’d finished the sentence because he knew she’d laugh at him.  Rae laughed loudly and sighed.

“Not me…”

“What, no squirting?”

“You’ll have to help me with that.”  She glowed, and he could tell she was glowing with sexual satisfaction.  “Imagine what it’ll be like if we ever meet up…”

“When we meet up.”  Finn said.  But she sensed a hesitation in his voice.  “I mean, we have’ta don’t we?  We can’t not meet up… I just…”  He had started this conversation with the intent of telling her the truth, but things had gone down a very different path.  He had learned very quickly that Rae was always going to take him places he didn’t expect.  He liked that.  “It’s just… fuck… I mean… we’re in a relationship right?”  He felt so vulnerable asking her.  “I mean I know we never met yet, and I know that’s weird but… I just… I just don’t wanna meet other girls.  I’m just right into you.”

“I closed me OKCupid account.”  Rae confessed.  “I mean, I felt daft, cos you didn’t… but… I really like you… I feel like…”  But she couldn’t tell him that she might love him.  Even though he had let those two words ‘love ya’ slip out last week, she was sure it had just been a turn of phrase, not a confession of real love…  What would he say if she confessed her deep feelings for him?  What if he ran away, terrified of the girl that moved too quick?  The girl who fell in love with an online guy… how pathetic would he think she was?  She knew that she was projecting her own feelings about herself onto him; she’d gone through this with Kester when she’d been a teenager.  She also knew that her attitude to online dating was shaped by old fuddy-duddys, snobbish shitbags, and conservatives that felt that online dating wasn’t real dating, it was pathetic losers who couldn’t get real dates in the real world…

Which wasn’t true.  Sure there were some dicks online, but no more or less than there were in ‘real’ life.  Online dating could be just as real as in real life dating… And she knew all of that, even as she sat there internalising that toxic message.

And then there was the small matter of the catfishing. 

Rae felt a sob at her throat.  She loved this guy and she was lying to him every day.  She’d meant to tell him the truth when they had started talking tonight, but she had delayed… she kept delaying.  Her fear had her frozen.

“Finn… I…”  She had to tell him the truth.

“I think I might love you.”  Finn blurted out.  “I mean… love, love… you know?  Not just a bunch o’ words… but… a real deep feeling in me bones.”  She could hear the anxiety, panic, and a deep vulnerability in his voice.  She could read him like a book and she’d never seen him in real life.  She understood the anxiety and the vulnerability, but not the panic.  Maybe he was picking up on her panic?  “I know I said it afore, but it were like an accident that I said it… and I want you to know… I do… I love ya.”

“I feel the same.”  Rae tried to keep the miserable tone out of her voice, but he heard it.

“What’s wrong?”

“What if you don’t like me in person?”  Rae asked, her anxiety bubbling up viciously.  “I mean, those photos…”

“Everyone puts their best photos up Rae.  I already expect that you’ll be a bit older, maybe a bit heavier, whatever… I love you… I actually do… fuck.”  He laughed slightly and then internally groaned as he looked back at his OKCupid account.  The photos of Archie…  “I’m gonna close down that account.”  He grumbled to himself, annoyed at himself, mortified by what he’d done.

“Really?” 

“Aye well I don’t need it.”  He replied honestly.  “I’ve found you… there’s just… there’s just so much I need to tell you.” 

“Like you’ve gone bald?”  Rae joked and sniffed back some tears. 

“Ah no… hair’s still ok… but…”  He heard a strange bipping noise.

“Oh fuck, me batteries ‘bout to die.”  Rae said, her voice sad and bereft.

“But I’m not done talking to ya.”  He whispered.

“I’m never gonna be done talking to you Finn.”  Rae answered, “But I gotta go.”

“I love you… no matter what… no matter… no matter what happens.”  He said desperately.

“I love you too.”

The phone went dead. 

Rae threw the phone angrily on the bed.

“Fucking thing.”  She cried; it never gave enough warning about its battery dying.  And then the tears came.  She balled herself up into the smallest ball she could, on the floor, and wept. 

He was gonna find out, and when he did, how could he ever forgive her?

*

*

*

_So we’re an ‘item’ now?_

*

_That’s what I want… if you want it._

*

_Exclusive?  I mean monogamous?_

_Cos that’s what I want.  I want you all to myself Finlay…_

*

_No one else exists for me anymore Rae._

_When can we next talk?_

*

_I got that dinner thing tonight I told ya about -  I can’t get out of… so I guess tomorrow night?_

*

_Can’t I got a work thing… It might not be till Wednesday?  
is it with Izzy and Chop?_

*

_It’s gonna have to be Thursday, me mum’s got a bee up her arse about needing family time.  
aye that’s the one._

*

_Ok Thursday it is._

*

*

*

The feeling of guilt followed Finn around like a storm cloud. 

But even worse was the feeling of trepidation and fear; on Thursday he was going to tell her the truth. 

He just hoped she could forgive him. 

Monday was dragging by with only her texts to brighten his mood.  But even they were fraught with angst and guilt and shame.  She was meeting Chop properly tonight; having dinner with Izzy and him.  He knew Chop wouldn’t tell her the truth, so he was looking forward to getting some information about what she was like in person; Chop had already agreed to reconnoitre for him.  Chop was thoroughly amused by that idea.  And that just made Finn feel worse; he should be able to see her himself, to touch her… he shouldn’t have ever lied to her…  
Or had phone sex with her when she didn’t know what a disgusting liar he was.

“I’ve never felt more guilty about a shag.”  Finn intimated.  They always had lunch together on Monday.  Usually at Chop’s place to try some concoction he’d created; he was learning to cook for Izzy.

“It were more a wank than a shag.”  Chop answered and sucked on his cigarette. 

“It were phone sex, and it were fucking amazing.”  Finn argued.

“If you say it were better than the real thing, then I know you been doing it wrong all these years lad.” 

“If you’d’ve heard the things she were saying…”  Finn shook his head.

“Then I’d’ve prob’ly pulled one off too.”  Chop shrugged, “I’d still prefer Izzy’s arms around me any day.  Don’t matter how sweet a talker your Rae is.”

“Yeah well I’d prefer her arms around me too.”

“Who Izzy’s?”  He sounded peeved.

“No Rae’s, you fucking knobhead.” 

“Oh right.”  Chop shoved a chip in his mouth and sighed, “Well you fucked it up lad.  Women are big on that trust stuff.”

“Thanks Chop, so comforting.”

“What am I, Doctor fucking Phil?”  Chop spat, “It’s no my job to comfort you, I’m not your fucking blankie.” 

“Thanks Chop.”

“I’m not a fucking dummy.”

“Yes Chop.”

“I’m not sweet words of love and reassurance whispered into your ear in a time of grief and crisis.”

“Ok Chop.

“I’m not your treasured teddy bear, given to you on the day of your birth, that’s been through it all with you, has seen your ups and down, been through thick and thin and has seen the best and worst of ya.”

“Alright Chop.”

“I’m not your grandma’s home cooking, or a big bar of chocolate and a tub of ice cream.”

“Aye Chop.” 

“I’m not your beloved pet, who always seems to know when you’re sad and comes to give you a nice big hug…”

“For fucks sake Chop…”

“I’m not your trusted therapist who’s guided you through all the tough times in your life and helped you seen the best in yourself.”

“Chop…”

“I’m not your hot cup of tea and a shoulder to cry on when the world gets you down…”

“I actually thought that’s exactly what you were.”  Finn answered cheekily. 

“Oh right.”  Chop grinned at him.  “Tea it is then.”  He wondered into the kitchen to make them tea.  Finn reached forward to take one of his chips.  “I thought we established I’m not your fucking comfort food!”  Chop called back without even looking.  Finn pulled his hand back and crossed his arms over his chest grumpily.

“But I want comfort food.”  He complained.

“Oh but it might ruin your girlish figure.”  Chop teased.

“Oh right, so it’s ok for you to eat shit food, but not me?”

“I have got the fucking stress of a fucking wedding coming up, when you have that, you can come fucking talk to me sonny-jim.”  Chop told him, “But that’s the good thing about getting married.  I know Iz’s gonna love me whether I’m a skinny bastard or a fat bastard.  Makes no difference to her.”  He popped his head out from the kitchen, “I s’pose you’re hoping that’s what this Rae bird’s gonna do?”

“Aye…”

“Not gonna happen lad.  Me an Iz spent months and months building up trust an’ bonding an’ shit.”  Chop shrugged apologetically, “You fucked up; ya lied when you was s’pose to be honest and buildin’ trust.”

“Thanks Chop.”

“Not my job to fuckin’ coddle ya Finn… Archie does that.  I’ll tell ya the fuckin’ truth.”  He pointed the sugar spon at Finn for emphasis, “You have to tell her the truth if want any kind o’ chance with her.  The sooner you tell her you lied, the less it’s gonna kill her that you betrayed her….”

“You think Archie coddles me?”

“Look I know that you and Arch think this was some sort o’ harmless experiment… take the fucking physical shit outta it.”  Chop said, “but when you’re fallin’ in love with someone…”  Chop paused thinking it through.

“You want a face to put all those emotions to.”  Finn sighed and lowered his eyes.

“Aye but also….”  He tried to put it into words, “You wanna love all of ‘em.  Every single last bit of ‘em.  And you’ve taken that from her by lying.  It’s a betrayal lad.  You’ve told her she can have love with you, she can have everything, and you’ve withheld that from her; you’ve taken away her chance of happiness with you.”  Chop brought out the tea, “You think it’s just a face…. But what’s the first and last thing you think about when you think about the person you love?”

“Her face…”

“Ya face becomes… a kinda symbol for everything y’are.  So I get it; looks aren’t everything and you can still love someone who’s ugly as sin, you still know what that ugly person looks like as you love ‘em.  Their face is still the image you have in your mind when you think o’ the person you love.”

“Oh fuck, I fucking fucked up.”

“Now you’re getting it lad.”  Chop said as he handed Finn the tea. 

*

*

*

“I told him he better be on time.”  Iz said crossly.  “It’s shit that we’ve spent practically nought time with you girls.  He wanted to bring his mates, but I already know his mates.  He don’t know mine!”  Izzy was in a mood.  Chop was late to dinner.  “And he left the place a mess after Finn’s lunch time visit today.”  Izzy sighed, “Had to clean it all up afore I could have me girls over.” 

Rae suddenly looked around as if seeing this house for the first time.  Finn had been in here.  Today. 

She had caught a whiff of something delicious when they’d come in; a scent of men’s deodorant, but somehow it had been sexier than that.  Rae just knew it was Finn’s smell. 

Chloe and Izzy chatted easily while Rae sat fidgeting awkwardly with the knife and fork.  She had tried everything to get out of this dinner, but Izzy had rescheduled and Chloe had encouraged and now here they were. 

And Chop was going to remember her properly, and see that she did not look like Chloe at all. 

And then it was all going to be over with Finn. 

She had been preparing herself for this all day.  But the biggest problem is that she had to prepare Chloe, and she hadn’t had the chance yet. 

Izzy kept talking and talking, and Rae felt more and more terrified with each passing minute. 

Then she’d have to ask Chop, a guy who was almost a stranger, to not tell Finn – his mate, because she wanted to be the one to tell him on Thursday. 

Her throat was dry, her hands felt like they were shaking constantly, and she felt like she might need to pee, but she knew it was just anxiety. 

“Oh that’ll be the pork.”  Izzy said as the oven alarm went off and she got up to head into the kitchen. 

And now came the other problem; the other person that was going to get hurt because of her lie.

“Chloe, I’m really sorry.”

“Sorry?”  Chloe looked at her, the smile on her face starting to drop, “What’s wrong babe?”

“I used your photos on my OKCupid account.  But it’s closed now, so-”

“What?”  Chloe’s brows furrowed, “Why?”  She sounded so betrayed.

“Chlo…”  Rae didn’t know what to say.

“I just got over going through court from being attacked by a stalker.  A stalker who found me online… I’ve had to change my whole life to make myself secure and invisible online – and you go and put my pictures out there again?” 

“Oh my god Chloe… I’m so sorry… I didn’t think…”

“No you didn’t!”  Chloe shook her head, the pain in her eyes bringing tears to Rae’s eyes.  “How could you- why would you even do that?”

“Cos I wanted to meet someone, I were lonely…”

“What wrong with putting your own photos up?”

“Guys were being all funny… about me weight…”  Rae lowered her eyes.

“And now you got a guy, head over heels for ya… who you might love… and he thinks you’re me?”  Chloe shook her head.  “I never thought you’d fuck up like this babe... I never thought….”  She folded her arms over her chest. 

“I’m so sorry Chloe-”

“Where you ever gonna tell me?”

“I’m tellin’ ya now…”

“Cos he knows Chop and Iz.”  Chloe understood.  Rae had been raving about Finn for months now.  “And you want my silence.”

“Yeah.”  Rae lowered her eyes in shame.

“I am angry at you.”  Chloe answered, “And we are gonna have to have a lot of conversations about this.”  Chloe said firmly, “You betrayed me trust Rae, and I never thought you’d do that.” 

“Chloe, I’m so so sorry… I were so outta line.”

“Shut up, I’m not finished.”  Chloe said, “I won’t lie for you about this; you gotta tell Finn the truth Rae, this is wrong.”

“I know.”  Rae felt a tear drip down her cheek and she angrily brushed it away.  She had no right to be crying; she wasn’t the one that had been so wronged.  “It’s just, I can’t talk to him until Thursday…”

“I would do anything for you if you needed it Rae… but not on this.  You lied to me, and to him, and…”  Chloe shook her head and looked away.  “But I won’t out ya either.”

“What?”  Rae was shocked.  She didn’t deserve anything from Chloe right now.

“I’m angry.  And you got a lot o’ crawlin’ and begging for forgiveness to do, but you’re still me best mate.  And I love you.  And I know how you’ve struggled with ya body image and I know what pricks guys can be so…”  Chloe took a deep breath.  “I will… give you some time to build up the courage to tell him yourself.  You should have the chance to break it to him gently instead of him finding out from someone else.”  Chloe took her hand, “I know you will do the right thing Rae.  I know you.”

“I felt bad as soon as I did it… but he started talking to me and…”  Rae sniffed miserably, “It’s daft.  I shouldn’t’ve done it, it’s just… I was getting so lonely.”  Rae looked back up at Chloe, “I dunno if I can explain it.  I just felt…”  Rae really didn’t want to say the word, “I felt desperate.”

“Oh Rae.”  Chloe sighed, her face full of sympathy.  “You’re the best person I know.  You’re so beautiful babe.  You’re the funniest person I know.  And you’re smart and compassionate, and fierce and strong… I wish you could see you the way I do.”

“I don’t think I’m that bad.  It’s just... guys can be intimidating and… so many of them just see me as less desirable than the girls they see on tv.  They don’t see me as a person.”  She wiped her nose, “And I know guys like that aren’t worth me time… but-”

“Guys like that aren’t even human.”  Chloe answered, “They’re subhuman filth.  Misogynists who see women as existing for their viewing and dicking pleasure rather than seeing us as our own people.”  She stroked a tear of Rae’s cheek, “Babe, real attraction doesn’t happen in the eyes, it happens in the heart and mind.  It’s not what we see, it what we learn about people, it’s what we know about them, it’s what we share with them.  Advertising got us seeing it all backwards.  Got us selling out our chances of happiness so we’ll buy shit from them that’ll help us get a repackaged imitation of the happiness we gave away by buying into this bullshit.”  Chloe told her, “looking a certain way won’t make you happy.  Being loved by someone who loves you cos o’ the way you look, won’t make you happy.  Loving someone who looks a certain way, won’t make ya happy.  Happiness comes from real connections with people.  And real connections have nothing to do with looks.  Not a thing.” 

“I know.”

“Well I thought you did, but obviously not!”  Chloe snapped. 

“Me head knows it Chlo.  But sometimes me heart… she just can’t take it.” 

“Everyone used to believe the Earth was flat Rae.”  Chloe reminded her, “Just because a lot of people have bought into this lie, this myth of what beauty and love and connection is… it doesn’t make it true, and it doesn’t mean that you’ll be happy if you buy into it too.”

“I think I needed a reminder.”  Rae said softly.

“Well I guess that makes up for all the times you remind me of all the important things I need to know.”  Chloe softened her tone.  “Life is a rough journey.  Sometimes we lose ourselves;” Chloe reminded Rae of something she had told her when Chloe had been crying and lost over flashbacks and her PTSD from the things that had happened in Ian’s house when she had been a teenager. 

“That’s why you need your family to remind you who ya are.”  Rae finished the sentence. 

“We’re family babe.”  Chloe reassured her.  “So I hope I just reminded ya, who ya are Rae Earl.”

“Aye.”  Rae said gratefully. 

Chloe gave Rae a hug.

“I love ya babe.  But we got a lot o’ talking to do.”

“Yeah, I know.” 

“And you gotta tell him.”

“Oh I know.”  Rae agreed. 

“Have you two finished your drama yet?”  Izzy called from the kitchen, “I’m bored in here.”

“We’re done!”  Chloe laughed.  Rae wiped her eyes as Izzy came back in.

“So what’s the drama?”  Izzy asked. 

“I used Chloe’s pictures on me OKCupid.”  Rae confessed.  It felt painful; she knew it said so much about her that she had done this; it revealed her vulnerabilities and her underlying self esteem issues that had resurfaced recently.  Rae knew she needed to do some serious self-care and work on her self-love again to undo the damage she had done to herself when she had used Chloe’s pictures.  But that would have to wait until she had made it up to Chloe, and Finn… She felt that’s where her focus belonged right now; on the people she’d betrayed. 

“Why would you do that?”  Izzy asked as she sat down, her face filled with confusion.

“An experiment.”  Chloe answered.  Rae closed her eyes, thankful for Chloe, ashamed of her own actions, “to show what sizeist bastards the men of the world are.”

“So why the drama?”  Izzy asked.

“She didn’t ask me first.”  Chloe answered.

“So this fella you met online…?”  Izzy asked, “Does he think you look like Chlo?”

“Yes.”  Rae answered.

“Oh shit!”  Her eyes went big and round, her mouth opened in shock for a moment before she sucked her bottom lip in apprehension.  “What are you gonna do?”  She was mortified for Rae.

“I have to tell him.”  Rae answered.  “Before he finds out some other way.” 

“I thought you were getting right close to him.”  Izzy was confused.

“Aye… I love him…”

“But you’ve never seen each other…?”  Izzy furrowed her brows, her face a picture of confusion. 

“Aye but he’s wonderful Iz.  We have a connection.”

“Oh… it’ll be so hard to tell him.”  Izzy fretted for Rae.  Rae felt grateful for her two closest friends and their support.  “But I know you Rae; you’ll figure out how to do it just right, and you’ll come out of it on the other side just fine.”  The door had started to open as Izzy spoke and she turned in her chair to grin at Chop.  Rae’s heart leapt into her mouth when she saw him and she gave Chloe a quick glance.  Chloe glanced back; they both shared the same expression; Chloe was worried for Rae too.  She didn’t want Finn to find out from Chop or Izzy; she wanted Rae to have the best chance of happiness, even though she was angry at her.  “Hey babe!”  Izzy said.  “You remember Chloe and Rae.”  Izzy introduced them, pointing to first Chloe than Rae. 

Chop’s eyebrow twitched up as his eyes fell on first Chloe and then Rae. 

And Rae knew that he knew.

“Chloe…”  He said softly, looking at Chloe.

“And this must be Rae…”  He looked her up and down and sucked his teeth, taking her in, judging her worth.  “I’ve heard a bit about you…”  He sat down and gave her a toothy grin with no humour in his eyes. 

“You what?”  Izzy asked.

“Finn and Rae know each other.”  Chop answered giving his fiancé a loving glance before turning his eyes back to Rae.  He chuckled slightly, “Well they kinda know each other.” 

“They’ve chatted a few times online that’s all.”  Chloe interjected.  Chop raised an eyebrow at her.  “They haven’t chatted much though, cos she always chatting to her fella.”  Chloe was glad that Rae had never told Izzy his name, “Cos she’s in love with him.”  Chloe slightly emphasised the words ‘in love’ and Chop’s eyes flashed to her before narrowing.  He leaned back in his chair, his arms crossed over his chest, staring at Rae while Rae stared at the table.  Izzy looked from Chop to Rae to Chloe. 

“Anyway,” She decided she just didn’t want to know what was going on here, “dinner’s nearly done.”  She got up and headed to the kitchen.

A silence fell between them, Chop still staring at Rae.

“I’m gonna tell him…. Please don’t… he should hear it from me.”  Rae whispered. 

“Oh I’m not gonna tell him.”  Chop said and then laughed.  “I’ll leave you two fuckers to sort each other out.”  He shook his head, clearly amused. 

“I thought Finn were your mate?”  Chloe asked, on edge, suspicious. 

“Oh he is…”  Chop said, “But yer right, he should hear it from you, lass.”  He laughed again and Chloe furrowed her brows at him.

“What’s so funny?”

“Rae’s the kinda bird he’d normally go for, but she put your pics up, and he still fell for her.”  He shook his head… “Fucking mental the whole thing.”  He thought about how they were catfishing each other and burst out into laughter again. 

“It’s not funny.”  Rae said in a small but firm voice.  Chop’s mirth dried up and he nodded slowly.

“Well if you saw it from my perspective you might think different.”  He said, “But I don’t suppose either o’ you are gonna think this is funny for a bit.” 

“I’m never gonna find this funny.”  Rae answered defensively.  “I have done this really bad thing, and Finn’s gonna-”  Chop could see how upset she was. 

“You’ll be fine love.”  He said firmly.  “Trust me.  I know that fucker pretty well.  You’ll be fine.”  Rae felt strangely comforted.  “Anyway, Finn says you’re funny as fuck.”

“He’s a liar!”  Rae joked shakily, still quite emotional, but wanting to get to know Chop better.  Chop burst out in laughter at Rae’s words, and Chloe furrowed her brows at him, crossing her arms across her chest again. 

*

*

*

“How was your dinner with Izzy’s mates?”  Finn asked, deeply curious and invested in Chop’s answers; he knew Chop had met Rae properly last night. 

“You mean, how was Rae?”  Chop looked up from his lunch.  They didn’t normally lunch together on Tuesdays.  Tuesday was Chop’s chance to read Izzy’s Tumblr blog and try to keep up with all of the politics Chloe and Rae had gotten into her head.  He was her man; it was his job to care about the things she cared about, to learn the things that mattered to her, to understand the things that affected her.  He loved Finn too, but he wasn’t welcoming this invasion of his time with Izzy’s blog. 

“Aye I might...”  Finn admitted and sat down.  “What were she like in person?”

“Just your type lad.”  Chop said with a chuckle.  He shook his head and closed the Tumblr app on his phone; he’d have to catch up with it later.  “I like her.”  He hadn’t been sure if he would when he had first realised her lie.  But the evening had been a good one and she was a funny, smart woman who Chop thought would fit very nicely with Finn.  If they could actually get over this double catfishing saga they’d both gotten themselves into. 

“Is he as funny as I said?”

“More funny.”  Chop watched the grin break over Finn’s face; the dopey, loved-up grin he had expected.  “And smarter too.  And she definitely knows more about music than you.”

“Bullshit.”  Finn said, the grin broadening. 

“So when are ya gonna tell her the truth?”  Chop asked bluntly, “Cos she needs to hear it from you, not anyone else.”  Chop watched Finn’s face drop.

“I dunno how to tell her.”

“Well you better figure it out boy, cos if she hears it from you… you’re gonna be fine.”  Chop told him firmly, “But if she hears it from someone else, you’re fucked.  I dunno how she’ll take it.  She’s tough and strong, but she got a tender heart.” 

“You think she’ll forgive me?”  Finn asked hopefully.

“If you’re the one who tells her?”  Chop clarified, “Then yeah, I do.”

“I’m telling her on Thursday.” 

“Why’re ya waiting so long?”

“I can’t talk to her on the phone till then.  We been putting off doing all the things we gotta do and they’re all catchin’ up with us; work and friends and family all want us to do stuff.”

“Call her now.”  Chop said.  “Tell her now.”

“I can’t!”

“Trust me Finn.  You gotta tell her.”

“Chop….”

“Outta the two of us, which one’s getting married?”

“What’s that got to do with anything?”

“I know about this stuff lad.  You gotta be honest when you’re in a relationship.  Call her.  Now!”

“Alright alright…”  Finn pulled out his phone, trying to pretend he wasn’t that bothered.  But his hands were shaking and Chop could see it.  Finn tried to subtly take a deep breath to calm his nerves as he put the phone to his ear and listened to it ringing.

“Hi this is Rae.  Don’t leave a message, I never check ‘em.  Just send me a text, yeah?  Cheers m’dear!”  Then the bip tone.  Finn hung up and Chop sighed.

“It were the answering machine!”  Finn spat defensively.

“Well I hope no one tells her afore Thursday.” 

“Who’s gonna tell her?”  Finn asked, fear creeping into his stomach.

“Izzy’s catching on.”  Chop said, “She hasn’t said aught, but I know me girl.  And when she asks me, I’ll tell her the truth.”

“And she’ll tell Rae.”  Finn groaned and put his face in his hands.  “She’ll be so fucking mad at me…”

“Nah I don’t think she will.”  Chop gave him a knowing grin.

“Why not?”

“I think she’ll understand.”  He nodded sagely, “But you gotta tell her soon Finn.”

*

*

*

“So Jazz has decided that Zayn is now the bestest looking and cutest boy on the entire planet!”  Rae said, semi imitating her sister’s tween voice.  “And she’s SO over Liam…”

“Ah to be 12 again.”  Chloe laughed.

“I’d never wanna be 12 again.”  Izzy shuddered.  “And I am going to have to exchange her birthday present.”  She sighed.

“Don’t bother.”  Rae answered, “She’ll have changed her mind by the time you gotta give it to her.  really she loves all of them and she just feels like she has to choose one of ‘em.”  Rae shrugged.

“So just get her band stuff, rather than just something that’s one of ‘em.”  Chloe suggested. 

“D’you remember how much she cried when Zayn left?”  Chloe asked Izzy, “And Rae was in the background trying not to cheer!”

“I am so tired o’ hearing their songs.”  Rae said with mock anger.  “I figure, one out, four to go…”

“Then we’ll have 5 solo careers…”  Chloe warned her.

“They can’t all make it.”  Rae sighed.  “I hope.” 

All three of them had only ever had a half day at work or university on Thursdays since they’d first moved in together; so they always came together to watch movies sitting on the floor in a cushion and blanket fort, and eat junk food and gossip.  It was a tradition they had moved hell and high water to keep.  Izzy had nearly lost her job a few years back to keep this tradition. 

“So I hope you girls are ready for the wedding!”  Izzy said, shovelling a handful of popcorn in her mouth. 

“Only two weeks to go!”  Chloe said excitedly. 

“Oh my shoes finally arrived.”  Rae told Izzy.

“Oh thank good!”  She was so relieved.  “Now everything’s come and we’re actually ready to go.”  She grinned, “D’you like the shoes?”

“Love ‘em!”  Rae answered, “They go with the dress.”

“I love the bridesmaids’ dresses,” Chloe gushed.  “Love them!” 

Rae’s phone chimed; she’d gotten a message.

“Pass me, me phone, ta?”  Rae asked Izzy.  Izzy reached over the cushions to the side table and picked up the phone.  It went off again, and the phone showed a picture of who was texting.

“I didn’t know you knew Archie!”  She said delightedly.

“Who?”  Rae asked and looked at her phone in Izzy’s hand.  “No that’s Finn…”  She said slowly, feeling a deep surge of pain rising though her guts. 

“No, this is Chop’s mate, Archie.”  Izzy answered, “he has a mate called Finn too.” 

“You’re sure you’re not getting them mixed up?”  Chloe asked and Izzy gave her a confused look.

“Of course I’m not.  What’s this about?”

“That’s her fella.”  Chloe answered softly.

“It can’t be – he’s gay!”  Izzy blurted out and Rae got up quite suddenly, knocking cushions everywhere.

“I can’t…”  Rae shook her head.  It felt as if the furniture was all moving closer, towering over her, leaning in, the roof of their apartment dropping down to push her down. 

“He lied to you.”  Izzy understood. 

“Iz…”  Chloe said softly, putting her hand on Izzy’s thigh.

“You can’t really be mad at him… whoever he is…”  Izzy said, “He’s just doing what you done.”

“Iz!”  Chloe hissed.

“No it’s alright…”  Rae answered, her eyes staring into nothingness, her breath shallow and rapid.  “it’s fine.  Iz’s right.  I guess I got what I deserve:  lying boyfriend for the lying bitch.” 

“Rae, that’s not what I meant!”  Izzy was mortified.

“No it’s not.”  Rae looked her right in the eye, “But it’s what I meant.” 

*

_So Archie…_

_When were you going to tell me?_

_What were you possibly hoping to achieve by doing this?_

_You’re not even into women!  How did you expect all of this to turn out?_

_What was the point of what you did?_

_Was anything you said true?_

_Or am I just some pathetic loser online who fell for a nobody; a character you created to mess with people like me?_

_I trusted you – I opened up to you!  I told you things I haven’t told other people!_

_I can’t believe it was all just a lie._

_I loved you…_

_Was that you wanted?_

She sent it, even though she felt like a hypocrite; the emotions were too raw and real to not send it. 

The phone rang within a few minutes of sending it. 

It was ~~Finn~~ Archie.

Rae watched it ringing for a few moments before deciding to pick it up.

“I was scared you wouldn’t pick up.  I’m so sorry Rae…”

Silence.

“Rae please… I didn’t mean to hurt you, I just… I’m sorry.”

“It still says Finn next to your picture in me phone.”  Rae said softly. 

“My name is Finn.”  He told her miserably.  “Archie’s me best mate… We just did that to… to give me a better chance at getting good responses from girls.”  He tried to explain.

“Oh right.”  Rae answered, tears streaming down her face.

“I never meant to lie to you… I didn’t lie about nought else.” 

“It don’t matter.”  Rae sniffed and deleted a picture of Archie from her computer. 

“Why?”  She could hear the dread in his voice.  The panic.  The fear of what she would say to him.  She understood; she’d been feeling it too. 

“I lied too.”  She said simply.  “The girl in the photos is me best mate Chloe.” 

“You…?”

Silence.

It seemed to drag out for a long time.  Rae crying as silently as she could. 

“I was gonna tell you tonight.”  He said softly.  “Cos…. I love you and…”  He sounded despondent, lost.

“Yeah.”  Rae answered his tone of despondency more than his words.  “I was planning on telling you so many times.  I didn’t wanna lose ya but...”  She laughed humourlessly, her laugh choked by tears.  “Irony sure does love to fuck with ya, don’t it?”  She shook her head bitterly, angry at everything, but mostly miserable that this wonderful time in her life was coming to an end.  “You gonna ask me all the questions I asked you?”  Rae asked, “Gonna get mad at me?”

“No.”  Finn answered, “I don’t even know… what I feel… what to say…”

“Maybe there’s nothing left to say then.”

“Maybe not.”

She hung up the phone without another word.  She supposed she would send him a text later on, thanking him for all the wonderful memories.  But right now everything just hurt too much to even think. 

The only thing she wanted was her bed, the blanket over her head, and to cry until she couldn’t open her red swollen eyes.

*

*

*

Finn stared at the picture of Chloe, his mind going over all the conversations he’d had with Rae, his heart aching, his mind numb.  He wouldn’t mind that numbness spreading down to his heart…

His mind kept starting to go over all the things he could have, should have said-

And then he would freeze, coldness creeping through his veins as he remembered that she had lied too.

He didn’t really know if she was all the things she had said she was; she’d lied about the first thing she’d told him about herself.  Those pictures. 

He knew he couldn’t judge her harshly for doing the same thing he’d done.  Part of him wondered why they hadn’t just laughed it off and agreed to meet up and really get to know each other; they’d grown so close…

But that was the destructive nature of lies.

It didn’t matter how close they had grown; it was all built on sand, the foundations had shifted in the tides of truth and the whole building had collapsed.  It didn’t matter how truthful the walls of the building were, the whole thing had grown out of lies. 

There was a knock on the door and then a key was going in the lock.

Archie.

Finn almost regretted giving Archie the spare key now.

“Y’alright?”  He asked softly, guilt in his eyes.

“Sure.”  Finn answered in a monotone. 

“Chop told me that Izzy accidentally blew it all…?”

“Can’t blame her.”  Finn answered, “I was the one who lied.  Not her.”

“I know, but… it’s my fault.”  Archie sat down opposite him, feeling like his heart weighed a ton.  It hurt to see Finn like this.

“You didn’t put a gun to me head.”  Finn tried to absolve him of blame.  “I chose to go through with it.” 

“So I take it you talked?”

“Aye…I called her…  she sent me an angry text so… I called her…”  Finn’s voice was empty, hollow. 

“Shit.”  Archie hissed, anticipating the painful story.

“She lied too.”

“What?” 

“She weren’t all that angry when I called.  Told me she was a catfish too.”

“So… so she didn’t feel like you?”

“I dunno.”  Finn answered, “We didn’t really talk much after that.  what could we say…?  We’re both liars.  We’d never believe anything the other said.”

“My father taught me that the great relationships that last a lifetime, aren’t great because they never had any setbacks, they’re great cos the people in them, worked to overcome the setbacks.”  Archie said meaningfully.  “If you truly love her, you have to work to win back her trust, and you’re gonna have to work at trusting her too.”  He leaned forward, wanting Finn to hear him, “It’s not gonna be easy… but do you think she’s worth fighting for Finn?”

*

*

*

“I lost sight of meself Tix.”  Rae stroked the cold gravestone gently.  “I got so lonely after Janelle, and nothing were working out for me with love… and I lost sight of myself.  I did something that not only hurt another human being; it hurt me too.  I lost him, and I loved him… but I lost me.  And that’s more important.”  she knelt down beside Tix’s grave.  “I’ve spent a lot of me life learning to accept me, to not reject me… but doing this was rejecting myself.”  Rae ran her fingers over the grass.  I were telling myself, and the world, that I’m not good enough.  That I should be judged by my appearance, and it will be found wanting.”  Rae wrapped her arms around herself and stared at Tix’s name etched into the stone.  “So I’m gonna make a promise, to you and to me Tix, to recommit to my journey of self-love and self-acceptance.  I’m not gonna let myself forget who I am again Tix; I’ve lost so much ground, you know?  But I’ll get it back, and keep going.  And I’ll just have to be lonely until I find someone who’s gonna love me as much as I deserve… But most importantly; I’m gonna love me as much as I deserve.”  She was silent for a moment, “So I guess I’ll be alone for a while, but that’s for the best.  I’m not gonna lower my standards; I deserve the best form anyone I’m with, but especially from meself… and… well Tix…. It’s gonna take a whole lot to get over him.”  Rae felt those tears at the back of her eyes.  “I wish…”  She shook her head.  “I can’t even wish that I hadn’t lied.”  Rae said sadly, “Cos even if I hadn’t lied we’d still be here.”  Rae took a few deep breaths to steady herself.  “I try not to wonder what he looks like.  It don’t matter really.  But I wonder if he did cos he fat like me?  I’d’ve still loved him Tix… he didn’t need to hide.  I know, I know… I didn’t need to hide either.  But I do wonder, if he could love me cos I’m fat.  And I know how fucked up that is.  To reduce everything I am to nothing more than the skin I wear… not even the skin – to the layer o’ fat under me skin…”  Rae wiped her eyes.  “And I did that to me.  Again.”  She sighed and stared off into the distance, “I wonder if we ever truly get over the wounds of our youth.  I should write this shit for me next article.”  Rae shook her head at herself.  “I lost everything cos I didn’t believe in meself… I didn’t believe I were worth loving.  Because a bunch of small, insignificant little boys don’t like to objectify fat girls into a bunch o’ holes they can masturbate into… like why do I even want that?  Why do we girls always want something that is so beneath us?”  Rae was getting angry at the world, but mostly at herself, “Who cares if some fucking twat wants to put his dick in me.  I’m worth more than that little lump o’ flesh mate.”  She told the graveyard, “I deserve… Finn… if I hadn’t lied… if he hadn’t lied.  I deserve to be loved for who I am… And if I can’t do that for myself, how sad?”  Rae looked back at Tix’s grave, “Why is it such a battle to just love ourselves?  I mean really, what’s so unlovable about meself that I deserve what I do to meself?  And worst part is that I thought I’d gotten over doing all this shit… but I guess when Kester said it would be an ongoing battle, he weren’t joking.  I wish he hadn’t moved to fucking New Zealand.  What the fuck’s in New Zealand?”  Rae stroked the gravestone again while she took some deep breaths.  “I’m like a garden Tix.  I gotta keep looking after meself.  Gotta pull out all the weeds of self-hate and self-doubt and all that shit, right regular or it’ll strangle out all me nice flowers and trees and stuff.  I gotta keep nourishing the plants I want growing.  But all that rubbish with online dating got me turned around, made me neglect me garden; meself… and this is what happens when you do that Tix.”  She stared thoughtfully at the well kept gravesite.  “When I don’t look after meself, when I don’t love meself, when I try to be something, someone I’m not… I lose what matters.  I lost myself… and I’ve lost Finn.  And I really did love him.”  She took a deep breath, and spoke as tears really started to pour from her, “You can’t spend the rest of your life being afraid of people rejecting you.  you have to start by not rejecting yourself.  You don’t deserve it.”  She stood up.  “I forgot.  But I won’t forget ever again.”

*

*

*

_I’m really sorry.  Can we talk about it?_

He deleted it and put is phone down.

*

_I wish things had gone so differently.  I’m so sorry for what I did… for what happened between us at the end there… I just… I wish we could talk about this.  But what could we say?  We both know what we did and how wrong it was._

Rae stared at the message and deleted it, shaking her head.

*

_I miss your laugh_

But he couldn’t send that to her.

*

_I miss talking to you_

There was no way she cold admit that after everything.

*

_I wish I could go back and change everything and we could do this whole thing again and have a proper relationship_

But he knew there was no point in wishing for things he just couldn’t have. 

*

_I’m so sorry Finn.  I know that I hurt you badly, and we never really addressed that cos well… you’d done the same.  I just wanted to say that I’m so thankful that I met you, I had so much happiness during those few months and_

But she stopped typing; why even bother sending him this?

*

_I miss you so much.  I’ve never felt an ache like this in me life.  I love you… please can we just_

Finn threw his phone across the room. 

*

_I still love you.  I try not to because… it’s all a lie... but I can’t stop.   You probably don’t wanna hear this after how I betrayed you, but_

Rae turned her phone off and slammed it down on the table.

*

*

*

“Is she still having moments?”  Finn asked and the doctor nodded.

“But the moments of clarity are becoming rarer.  It’s good that you’re still visiting.  A lot of people here don’t get family coming that often.  They always start coming weekly… then fortnightly… then monthly…”

“Then never.”  Finn knew how it went.  He made sure he made time to come and see his aunt every week.  He came on Wednesdays, his father came on the weekends.  But the rest of her siblings never visited.  She was the oldest of 7 children, Finn’s father was the youngest, and he’d always loved his eldest sister the most. 

He knew these sterile halls so well, and he walked them silently, his head lowered, his mind with Rae.

“Hi Aunty Mae.”  He sat down on the bed, flashbacks to visiting his grandmother in hospital playing through his mind.  He’d never felt more alone than when his grandmother died; until now.  Losing Rae had him feeling all alone in the world again.  The third time he’d felt that was when his mother had left.  His aunt stared at him silently, obviously not knowing him.  “Are they treating you alright?”

“My Sock has a hole in it!”  She complained loudly.

“I’ll get ya new socks next time I come.”  He promised. 

“I don’t like the green wobbly stuff!”  She told him importantly.

“I’ll tell ‘em to give you red jelly instead.”  He knew she’d forget about her hatred of green jelly, but he’d ask the nurses anyway.  And because his father paid a fortune to keep his sister here, the nurses would be kind and graceful and promise to not give her green jelly. 

“You look miserable.”  She noted, her eyes wary, “Don’t think you can use me to make yourself happy!  I’ll fight you!  I know how much it hurts a man when you kick him in the golly-goshers!”  This was teenaged Aunt Mae, pulling up the bed clothes with her wrinkled hands.

“I’m not gonna hurt you ma’am.”  Finn answered reassuringly.  “But you’re very astute.  I am miserable.”

“Well…” She looked at him curiously, “What’s wrong?”

“I lied to the women I love… and now I don’t think she’ll ever forgive me.  And I don’t think she should.  And she lied to me… but I already forgave her… and it’s messed up Aunt Mae cos, she lied about the same thing, and I can forgive her for it but I can’t forgive meself… I guess I’m too hard on meself sometimes.”  He sighed, “So basically, I fucked up me only chance of happiness.”

“Language young man!”

“I’m sorry.”  Finn answered demurely.  He remembered the times when Aunt Mae had laughed when he swore in private, but how she would tell him to put his best face on in public, and that meant no swearing. 

“You know, I loved a beautiful girl once.”  She told him.

“What?”  Finn asked, surprised.

“They wouldn’t let us be together.”  She said, “Said it was against god.”  She lowered her eyes and shook her head sadly, “I always wished I’d fought harder for her… But it wasn’t the done thing in those days.”

“That’s why you were alone all these years.”  Finn understood, a deep sorrow in his heart for his Aunt.   But she looked up suddenly.

“Who are you?”  It was a quiet whisper. 

“That’s what I’m trying to figure out.  Shouldn’t I know that already?”  He was exasperated at himself, “Shouldn’t I have my shit together by now?  I’m 30…” 

“No such thing young man.”  His aunt said indignantly.  “That’s the big lie about growing up they never tell you; being an adult isn’t all about suddenly having all the answers and knowing yourself inside out and not making foolish mistakes.”  She told him, “It’s about making a whole new set of mistakes alongside the old ones, but hopefully learning from it better, and handling it better than you did when you were a dim-witted kid.”  She gave him a knowing smile, her eyes twinkling with a deep wisdom, “Being an adult isn’t about getting it right all the time.  It’s about handling it when you get it wrong.  So handle it.”

“Thanks Aunty Mae.  You always did give me the best advice.”  Finn felt choked up.  “I miss you.”

“I miss you too Finn.”  She answered.

“Aunty Mae?” 

“Hi.”  She smiled and touched his face, “Oh you grew up…. Do you still like salted caramels?”  She asked with a huge grin.

“Love ‘em.”  Finn shared the grin, cherishing this moment of clarity. 

*

*

*

_I HAVE VERY IMPORTANT NEWS ABOUT THE WEDDING!_

Izzy pursed her lips and wondered if this was the right thing to do.

“I’m not having my wedding ruined by them two wankers.”  She told Chop who was sitting next to her shaking his head.  “They’ll just sit there moping.”  She reasoned.  “And I been a good friend all me life.  I’m allowed to be a little selfish now.”  She looked back down at the text.

_MEET ME AT CAFE BLACK IN FIFTEEN!  I’LL GET THEM TO SAVE THE BOOTH FOR US!_

She sent it to both of them before Chop had time to argue with her.

“It’s for the best.”  Izzy told Chop, “Not only will it make me wedding better. But it’ll make both of them happy.  They’ll never sort it out by themselves.  They both lied, so neither of them feels like they have the right to make the first move.”  She nodded happily, “I am a genius.”

“Better ring the café and make sure the booth is free.”  Chop said in a restrained voice. 

“Oh right!”  Izzy laughed and rung the café. 

*

Rae hurried towards the café, swearing under her breath.  But she would be nice to Izzy when she got there; they were 4 days out from the wedding, and the bride-to-be had every right to call her brides maids in to talk business at any time she wanted. 

She burst into the café and headed towards the back where the only booth was.

There was a man standing at the table, his hands in his pockets, staring at the empty table. 

He was wearing the same Oasis shirt that she was wearing. 

He turned to look out across the café.

When she saw his face, it was like all the air went out of her entire body, and caught fire in the space around her.  Electricity tingled on her skin as their eyes met and a long silence consumed them.

“Rae.”  He knew instantly.  Just as she had known.

“Fucking Izzy.”  Rae answered.

He gave her a small smile of understanding and silence again spread between them.  Rae had a moment of feeling self conscious; her hair was a mess, she was wearing old tatty jeans… this isn’t how’d she wanna be introduced to Finn.  But she rejected that idea, and instead owned her messy self and straightened up proudly.  Sometimes she looked like a mess, and sometimes she looked like a goddess.  And that was ok. 

“You’re far more beautiful in person.”  He said, the words barely leaving his mouth, his eyes never leaving hers.

“But…”  Rae felt like the wind had been knocked out of her gut.  Even though she was back to consciously talking self-love to herself, she hadn’t expected this from him.  It was one thing for her to accept herself, it was another thing altogether for him to do it.  “But Chloe… the girl’s photos I used… she’s so…”

“Yeah, she beautiful, she’s fine… but I prefer you.”  He answered simply.  Rae was stunned into silence and watched him bite his bottom lip, clearly nervous.  He fumbled slightly as he sat down, Rae unable to move, unable to believe what he had just said, unable to take her eyes off him.

He was so beautiful. 

“You…?” 

_Prefer…_

_Me…?_

Rae’s brain couldn’t catch up with those words. 

“So…”  Finn said nervously, “How do I measure up?”  He fidgeted with the knife and fork, already set out on the table. 

Rae heard all the noise of the café, clambering in her ears.

“How do you…”  _Measure up…?_   Rae couldn’t believe he was even asking that question.  He was so breathtakingly beautiful that looking at him was like looking at the sun; she wasn’t sure it wasn’t causing her eyes irreparable damage.  She thought she may never be the same again after seeing him, after hearing what he’d just said.  “Yeah you measure up…”  J _ust fine… Better than fine…_ but Rae couldn’t get the words out.  He was just sitting there, staring up at her, his eyes seemingly glued to hers.  Sitting there like he wasn’t some myth of a man; a god of some sort that everyone had heard of but that didn’t actually exist. 

“Yeah that’s what Archie said’d happen.”  Finn answered, obviously worried.

“You what?”  Rae asked, trying to will herself to sit down opposite this god of a man. 

“That a girl wouldn’t be mad at me cos…”  He scrunched up his face, not wanting to say it.  “Cos I’m…”

“Oh I’m mad.”  Rae answered.  “I just can’t be cos…”  She sighed and finally found the strength to move. 

“Cos you did it too.”  Finn said softly, his eyes not leaving her as she sat down.

“Aye I did.”  Rae said.  “I’m sorry I lied about what I look like.  It’s just…”

“Everyone judges ya for how ya look.  I get it.”  Finn answered. 

“I don’t get why you did it?”  Rae was still astounded by how beautiful he was.

“People judge me for how I look too.”  He answered.

“Probably positively but.”  Rae answered, “They don’t do that to me.  It’s all negative judging.”

“Judging’s judging.”  He shrugged, “I mean it’s worse when it’s negative.  But no one’s getting to know anyone that way.” 

“That’s true.”  Rae answered, “But you still picked a fucking good looking lad’s photos.”

“He’s me best mate.  It were his idea.”  Finn answered.  “Was it your best mate’s idea too?”  His eyes were still on Rae’s, and Rae had a sense of being naked in front of him, his eyes penetrating her to the core.

“No.”  Rae answered, “She didn’t find out for quite a bit… so… she’s not real happy about it.”

“Why’d you pick her?”

“Cos she so pretty.”  Rae answered simply, not liking how vulnerable she felt. 

“Aye.”  Finn nodded slowly, “but I’m glad you look the way you do.  I mean, looks aren’t everything… but it don’t hurt when they’re good…” 

Rae noticed his eyes drop down to her chest, just momentarily, before they were back on her eyes.  She watched him suck his lips slightly, his brows furrowed slightly.  Either he was worried he’d been caught looking at her breasts, or he was really trying not to look again. 

Rae suddenly let out a laugh.

“If you wanna look at ‘em just look at ‘em.”  She blurted out, making herself laugh more as Finn reddened. 

“No I can’t!  It’s rude and creepy!”  Finn started to laugh too.  “I don’t even know ya…” 

That dried the laughter up. 

Rae saw him swallow, both of them returned to staring at each other.

“So what now?”  Rae asked softly. 

“I dunno.”  Finn answered.  “I feel like there was a connection between us… but…”  He shook his head and looked down.  Rae felt bereft; he’d been looking at her non-stop since they’d met a few minutes ago, and now she found that she really enjoyed his eyes on her. 

“How can you have a connection based on lies?”  Rae finished the sentence and Finn nodded sadly. 

“That’s the thing I didn’t proper think through.”  He fidgeted with the end of the table cloth, “What happens when you think you might’ve fallen in love and it’s all based on a lie?”  He looked back up at her. 

“Oh god…”  Rae whispered sadly.  “I didn’t lie about nothing else Finn.  Just me looks.” 

“I know.”  He answered, “I can tell.”  His eyes dropped again, “And looks don’t mean all that much; you can’t listen to music with looks.”  Rae nodded sadly in agreement. 

“It’s not what I lied about.”  Rae understood, “It’s the fact that I lied at all.”  Rae picked at the skin around her nails, “When you’re trying to get to know someone… and they lie like that, it don’ help ya trust ‘em.” 

“We lied.”  Finn corrected her meaningfully.  “How are you gonna trust me?”

There was a moment of regretful silence, both of them looking down at the table. 

But when they both looked up at each other Rae felt that electricity tingling against her skin again, and Finn felt like he might never be able to breathe again without her. 

“Let’s start again.”  Rae said softly.  “Right now.”  Finn’s mouth flicked up at the corners momentarily.  “My name’s Rae.”  She held out her hand across the table, “And you are?”

Finn hesitated for a moment and then reached out his hand.

“Finn.”

As soon as their hands touched, the warm softness of her skin, he just knew…

“Alright, well I’ve got a pretty mad mum, a stepdad, a little sister… I got two close friends, Chlo, who I live with, and Izzy, who moved out last year to move in with her fiancé…”  He already knew all of that, but she was invested in this notion of starting again. 

“Chop.”  Finn said.

“The real world connection we share.”  Rae answered, “Is Chop and Izzy.”

“You know, we might’ve met at their wedding next week.”  Finn answered.  “I’m one of Chop’s best men… And you’re a bridesmaid?”  Rae nodded in answer.

“Why weren’t you at their housewarming party?”  Rae asked.

“I were in America for work; covering Coachella.”  He answered, “Bastards was s’posed to wait till I got back!”

“So you do work covering music events.”

“Aye I do.”  Finn answered, “You a writer?”

“Yeah I never lied about anything, ‘cept the photos.”  Rae reiterated.

“Why weren’t you at the engagement party?”

“I were in Thailand!”  Rae answered with a grin.  “With a very bad boy.”  She nodded slowly.  Finn chuckled and then shook his head. 

“How did we never meet, all these years?”  Finn asked, his eyes again glued to her again. 

“Well Iz and Chop only met 2 years ago so-”

“No I meant how did this… magnetism…” He motioned to the air between them, “Between us, not draw us together sooner?”

“I honestly don’t know.”  Rae answered.

“So this is a thing right?”

“Yeah it’s a thing.”  Rae answered, “If you hurry up and tell me all about your family.  Cos I already done my part!”  She gave him a cheeky grin. 

“Aye alright girl!”  He laughed happily, “Only child.  Parents divorced.  Mum took off, ain’t seen hide nor hair of ‘er since.  Dad’s just got a new girl.  Best mate’s Archie, other close mate’s Chop.  Got a bunch o’ mates at work, but not as close as Arch and Chop.” 

“And the music thing?”  Rae asked.

“I didn’t like ‘bout nothin’ but the pics either.  I was honest: I do know more about music than you.”  Finn answered with a cheeky grin. 

“You’re fucking dreamin’!”  Rae shot back.  They both laughed and Finn picked up the menu. 

“So what’re ya havin’ girl?”  His eyes lingered on her for a moment longer before he looked down at the menu.” 

“Chicken schnitzel with rocket, pear and parmesan salad.”  Rae answered, “It’s the best thing on the menu here.”  She answered. 

“Not the ‘country style chunky beef pie’ then…?”  He asked.

“Well it’s not the shittest thing I’ve ever eaten.”  Rae answered. 

“Aye but is it up there, or is it more-”

“It’s mediocre.”  Rae answered, “Not really in competition with the list of shittest things I’ve ever eaten.  My mum’s attempt at Tunisian Goat goulash is probably… the shittest…”  Rae pulled a face remembering that taste. 

“Isn’t goulash a European thing?”  Finn asked slowly, amused by the thought of this disgusting dish and the face she was pulling.

“Oh aye, it’s Hungarian.”  Rae answered, “Didn’t stop my mum from trying her hand at ‘fusion’ cooking.”  Rae made a disgusted sound and shuddered.  Finn laughed loudly, imaging Rae trying to eat something that made her respond in such a cutely disgusted manner.

“You’ll have to cook it for me.”  He teased.

“No fucking chance!”  Rae answered, making Finn laugh again.  “Have you got a fucking death wish Finlay?” 

“So are we gonna give it a chance?”  He asked suddenly.

“I dunno… I want to… but…”  Rae furrowed her brows.

“I know.”  He answered.  “We got a long way to go.”

*

*

*

Chloe gave Rae a huge grin.

“You look beautiful.”  She gushed, “I love blue on you.”

“Izzy did choose these dresses well.”  Rae agreed and looked in the mirror.  The deep blue of the dress was countered with the cream and black roses they wore in their hair.  Which was up in messy, curly buns on the top of their heads; a professional had come and done their hair and make up and nails. 

Rae like the way the dress had straps to cover her bra straps, but also came down off the shoulders, the way it sat close to her breasts, and then loosened up slightly under the bust line, falling to the floor in a gorgeous flow of material.  She didn’t even mind the bow on the back, mostly because she loved the little sneak of cleavage this dress gave; it was subtly sexy. 

“I am so regretting not having any rehearsals.”  Izzy came in, her long red hair falling in perfect curls down her back, the train on her wedding dress trailing behind her.  “Do you remember everything I told ya about how everything goes?”  She was panicking.

“Every single word.”  Rae answered firmly. 

“Oh thank god.”  Izzy answered, “Chop’s best men have no idea what’s going on!”  She said holding up her phone to her ear, “it’s ok, the girls know what’s going on!”  She told Chop, turning her back on Rae and Chloe.  Rae gave Chloe a look; neither of them actually had a clear idea of what was happening, but they were sure that between all of them they could figure it out.  “I love you, but I shouldn’t’ve listened to ya about being relaxed.  You can’t relax when you’re getting married.  It’s impossible.  You have to be tense.  You have to plan every detail.  Why didn’t I plan every detail?”  Chloe gently took the phone from Izzy.

“We got this Chop.”  She told him while Rae put her hands on Izzy’s arms.

“You wanted it to be a relaxed day too.”  Rae reminded her, “Cos it’s about the love, not the spectacle.”

“Aye… I’m just worried it’s gonna be a spectacle cos we’ll fuck it up.”  She sighed, “And why did I choose a black dress?  How daft can I be?  We’re getting married by a fucking priest in a fucking cathedral!”

“You look stunning.”  Chloe turned Izzy around to look in the mirror. 

Izzy’s dress was a beautiful off the shoulder, corseted dress with a long trail, cream and blue roses in her hair.  The dress was exactly as a wedding dress should look, except that most people would expect it to be white.  There was delicate lace details, tons of satin, it was modest and beautiful.  The petticoats were the same rich blue of the bridesmaids’ dresses.  With her red hair and the gorgeous make up she had had done; all of the colours were rich and visually stunning.  There was no veil, and Izzy had argued with Chop’s mum about not wearing a veil over her face for the walk down the aisle; Izzy felt it would have looked like she was going to a funeral.  But her hair was so long now, and so red, that it would have been a crime to cover it with a veil. 

“I do look good don’t I?”  Izzy said happily.  “You girls look amazing.”  She looked at Chloe and Rae standing on ether side of her, in the mirror.  “Wow… I’m getting married.”  She laughed slightly and turned back to her friends.  “I’m getting married!”

*

“How the fucking fuck does this fucking bullshit fucking thing work?”  Chop grumbled.  Archie sighed and swatted Chop’s hands away from his bowtie.  Chop wore a cream white tuxedo with black trimming, a deep blue rose on his lapel.  Finn was looking in the mirror, not feeling entirely sure that he could pull off a blue tuxedo, cream shirt, black rose, no bowties for the best men. 

He thought Archie and Chop looked amazing, but he was feeling a bit down in the dumps.

He and Rae hadn’t really talked since the café. 

They had texted a bit, still trying to figure out how to navigate this whole mess they’d gotten themselves into. 

But it had been a busy 4 days, and both of them didn’t know how to move forward.  It was tricky territory.  They had talked well at the café, laughed and argued over music, the connection was powerful and real… They texted playfully and joked well together… But whenever it came to the issue of being together, neither of them knew what to do.  He still had hope they’d meet up again and spend some real time together, in person.  He loved the way her face moved when she spoke… he wanted to see a whole lot more of her.

But how did they move past this?

Archie had told him: ‘with time and patience and perseverance.’

Chop had shrugged and said: ‘just fuck the girl.’

Chop always suggested ‘fuck’ as his advice. 

‘fuck the girl’

‘fuck it’

‘fuck off’

‘fuck that’

He looked over at Archie finishing up with a fussing Chop’s bowtie.

“Can’t believe you’re gettin’ married.”  He said softly.

“I know!”  Archie agreed with a huge smile. 

“Aye, when’d we get so old!”  Chop gave a toothy grin, “But fuck it right?  I love that girl with everythin’ I am.  So fuck it!”  He said, embracing the uncertainty of the future with his usual aplomb. 

*

Rae cleared her throat softly and tried to look anywhere but Finn.

*

Finn could barely take his eyes off Rae.

*

Chloe tried not to break out in loud laughter when Archie elbowed Finn subtly.

*

Izzy looked beautiful walking down the aisle.

Chop cried openly as he watched her, holding the gorgeous blue and cream roses, her hair loose and flowing, the black dress trailing behind her. 

The ceremony was beautiful, both the mother of the bride and the mother of the groom cried happily as the vows and rings were exchanged.  The kiss was probably a tad too long for church, but Chop and Izzy didn’t care about that. 

*

“Come this way for photographs before the reception.”  Izzy told them and they followed her to the steps of the cathedral.  The parents were chatting with the priest, and Izzy’s father motioned that they’d be out soon.

The photographer had them move around into several positions as a group of 6 – the married couple and the bridesmaids and groomsmen. 

“Can we get a few shots of the bridesmaids and groomsmen together?”  Izzy asked, pulling Chop out of shot. 

“Ok can we get the girls on one side, the boys on the other.”  The photographer called.  “Shorter ones on the outside.” 

“So me on the left of Rae?”  Chloe asked. 

“No I want you next to the other girl.”

“Her name’s Rae.”  Finn corrected him and Finn felt her heart thud harder.

“Sorry!”  The photographer called back.  “Yep, you on the left of Rae.” 

They shuffled into position, Archie and Chloe on the outside, Rae and Finn standing next to each other, their arms brushing against each other.  Both of them staring ahead, hardly breathing.

“Like this?”  Archie asked.

“Yep, but closer.”  The photographer answered. 

Rae and Finn glanced at each other, their eyes meeting for the first time today. 

And neither could look away. 

Finn’s eyes flicked to Rae’s lips before returning back to her eyes, and Rae felt herself leaning in towards him as his body turned towards her. 

Rae was breathless from the moment his lips touched hers.

Nothing else existed in that moment.  Her hands glided slowly up his chest to lace around his neck as his hands found her waist and pulled her closer. 

“Can you-”  The photographer was about to stop them

“No.”  Izzy said softly touching his arm, a huge grin on her face. 

Rae felt like her lungs had forgotten what oxygen was and took a huge breath when their lips parted. 

He was holding her to him tightly, his eyes on hers.

“I wanna touch ya face, but I don’t wanna let you go.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”  She assured him.

He let one of his hands leave her waist, the other still holding her tightly, and gently stroked her cheek. 

Rae barely remembered leaning forward again, but she again felt breathless the minute his lips were on hers.

Finn felt like fire was warming his whole body and soul.  She was warm and soft… and he knew she was the one.  She was the reason he’d been put on this Earth.  He’d known it in the café 4 days ago, the moment their hands had touched.  And he’d suspected it before he’d ever seen her. 

Their bodies pressed together, both of their chests rising with passion, their tongues sliding against each other, eyes closed, minds lost in the sensations of their bodies finally touching.  Even if it was through clothes. 

When they pulled back from the kiss they both knew that they had to work this thing out; there was no coming back from a kiss like that. 

“I will never lie to you again.”  He said firmly.

“I believe you.”  She answered, seeing the truth in his eyes, feeling it in the energy that flowed between them.  “I promise I will never, ever lie to you ever again.”

“I know.”  He told her, “I know you won’t.”

He leaned in to kiss her again.

“Ok you two lovebirds, come on!”  Izzy teased. 

*

The ride to the reception in the limo had been a lot of fun, the six of them laughing and joking; it felt like it was meant be. 

It was particularly nice for Finn and Rae who sat next to each other, holding hands, feeling like virginal teenagers again. 

They didn’t get to sit next to each other at the reception.  But the food was good, the company was fun, the speeches were mercifully short and also hilarious when it came to Rae and Chloe’s speech. 

And then the dancing began. 

They laughed, they danced, they kissed.  They discussed who they could set Chloe and Archie up with.  Neither of them drank very much; they were too busy focusing on each other for that.  Both of them watched as the scrabble for the bouquet got a lot of the girls going, and some of the guys too. 

The night was coming to an end, and cars wee being retrieved by staff drivers, and taxis were being called.

“Should I come home with ya?”  Rae said it suggestively.  She felt so right in his arms, and she’d been aching for this for 3 and half months now.  “Figure out if that dick pic you sent me was real…?”

“It was.”  Finn answered with a smutty grin.  “And your… picture?”

“Oh Aye.”  She replied seductively and Finn gave a small groan of appreciation and lust. 

“Not tonight.”  He answered reluctantly, his eyes showing his obvious deep hunger for her, “I wanna take you on at least a couple o’ dates afore I ask if you wanna come home with me.” 

The heat and desire between them was nearly unbearable. 

“A couple?”  Rae asked, taken with his romanticism. 

“At least… as many as I can hold out for.”  He chuckled at himself and how deep his longing for her body was.  But he wanted her mind more; he wanted to solidify what they already had before going any further.  “Might end up only being one!”  He admitted, “And this wedding don’t count as a date, and neither does the café lunch.”

“I like dates.”  Rae told him, “I like that you wanna take me on dates.”

“I like to think I’ll still be taking you on dates 70 years from now.”  He said.  “Then taking you to our home afterwards and making love to you...”

The heat between them seemed to intensify somehow.

“I hope so.”  She answered.  “I really do.”

“So tonight, I’ll see you to your door Rae Earl.  And tomorrow night… Do you wanna go out on a date with me?”

“Yes.”  She grinned foolishly happily. 

“I’ll pick you up at 7.”

 

 

______________

 

 

NO SHIT – WONDERWALL CAME ON WHEN I WAS WRITING THAT KISS BIT.  IT’S FUCKING FATE!

 

  1. 1\. The ‘I’m a writer’ neckbeard fedora that wrote to Rae – this guy exists, that was his screen name (I don’t know if it still is), he wrote a lot of that shit to me when I had an OKCupid account for about a week…


  1. if you wanna check if you’re being catfished on a dating site – try pipl.com <https://pipl.com/> – it’s a good starting point, you can put in names, user names, email addresses and search for all the readily available info attached to that name online (it’s not at all illegal to do this, but it can verge into illegal territory based on what you do with the information) – also you can search yourself and see what comes up; it can help with making your online presence more safe and secure. Stay safe emus!
  2. Powderfinger <https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=powederfinger> webpage <http://www.powderfinger.com/>
  3. Gangstagrass <https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=gangstagrass> webpage <http://gangstagrass.com/>
  4. Ecca Vandal <https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=ecca+vandal> , ‘the End of Time’ <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZ6MeHRskFE> webpage <http://www.eccavandal.com/> , facebook <https://www.facebook.com/EccaVandal> , free download of ‘white flag’ <https://www.triplejunearthed.com/artist/ecca-vandal> , twitter <https://twitter.com/eccavandal?lang=en>
  5. Tkay Maidza <https://www.youtube.com/results?q=tkay+maidza> , webpage <http://tkaymaidza.com/> , facebook <https://www.facebook.com/TkayMaidzaMusic/> , twitter <https://twitter.com/tkaymaidza>




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